An Aspergian’s Thoughts On Cheating

weed

Cheating.

I hate it. It ruins relationships, families, lives, and communities. It blurs the lines of what is real love, and what is imaginary. It teaches that it’s okay to not stand by your word, and it makes commitments seem arbitrary and void..

It makes the words “I do” a choice.

I have a firsthand experience with cheating. My mom…I love her, and I’ve watched my Dad cheat on her time and time again. Women he’s worked with, random text messages, and emotional/I-don’t-know-what-to-call-them relationships with just about any woman he sees on the street. I guess it’s where I got the porn addiction from; the idea that women are objects and can be picked up and thrown aside as soon as someone bustier or with a fatter ass struts by. Everyday I see the emotional scars left on her by the abuse, and unfortunately he hasn’t changed. Some of family thinks that he gave her an STD, which led to my Aspergers…I can’t say, since I wasn’t there to witness it, but…

Because of how my Dad has treated my Mom, I’ve been a little hesitant to get into a relationship, because I don’t want to hurt a girl the way my Dad hurt my Mom. I know that sounds crazy, but I’ve feel like that’s the right thing. I know I’m not the same person, and I’ll never be, but it’s that little feeling in the back of my head that pops up every time I think about having a relationship with a girl. “Will I do what he did?” or “I’m not like my dad, I’m not like my dad, I’m not…”. The self doubt is endless, but the possibility of harming someone, to me, would feel much worse.

So, wit that in mind, I wrote this…

Another late shift

Another exhausting highway trip

But I think of you,

and none of it matters

And Trinity

My worst day is transformed by her laughter

I return home

she’s still up

and not one sign of you

I take her by her hand,

and tell her to go to bed

But she refuses,

crossing her arms

Her blue eyes are a sea

of discovery

a compass

to uncertainty

not a word uttered

as she looks back at me

and shakes her head

pointing heavenwards

I walk slowly

up the steps

And time seems too short

for me to gather my thoughts

I see a fire

a roaring, raging fire

that could never be extinguished

How could I have let

these embers grow?

How could these sparks

be unknown?

For so long

I thought we would live on forever

but now I know

that even the most beautiful flame

must die

I hide my eyes,

and sink behind the door

Emotions

destroying, demoralizing,

spawning, startling

I thought we would live on forever

carried on by our teenage sparks

but I bitterly learned what you did

in the dark

 

 

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34 Replies to “An Aspergian’s Thoughts On Cheating”

  1. The girl you are dating..

    The girl you are dating,

    While you are married to me,

    Will smell like the confidence I used to wear,

    Hot tea and jasmine,

    Scald your tongue,

    Stench you to death,

    I will become the pyramid of insecurities.

    You will think of her as raindrops after drought,

    But I am the flood- don’t you see?

    There is no use in asking someone to stay,

    When they want to keep slipping in and out

    Of worlds, of doors , of bodies,

    In and out, in and out,

    Like a madman becoming alright and going crazy again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A sad post. It’s so hard to watch the people you love hurt each other and suffer. That said, you get to choose who you are and how you will love. You get to pick the ways you want to be like your parents and the ways you don’t. I believe you’ll make good choices. Though they aren’t always easy, in the long run you’ll know you did your best.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cheating is never a healthy or positive thing to fall into. I’ve cheated, and been cheated on, so I understand it from both perspectives. It creates a lot of hurt there’s no denying that, and I’m so sorry you have been affected by your Mum’s pain 😔 I do believe it’s an easy trap to fall into however, in very long term relationships and marriages. There are many circumstances that increase the likelihood of it happening. However I believe your fundamental dislike of the whole concept of cheating will mean that you will be very motivated and determined not to succumb to it…I do understand your fear of relationships though, that isn’t surprising. Because of what you’ve witnessed you will have less confidence that relationships can happen without cheating. Your honesty about your porn addiction and how you view women is admirable. Quite how you can change that easily is uncertain, but at least you have insight and awareness. That’s a great starting point. 😊 Do you think your aspergian challenges with comprehending ‘theory of mind’ have a bearing on you objectifying women? What I mean is, if you have (brain-based and understandable) difficulty in working out how another person is feeling, you are missing a large portion of incoming information about them, so you may tend to value a woman and appreciate them with a focus more based on physical attributes? Does that make sense? I may be wrong, I’m just throwing out ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Just a question… When you interact with female bloggers, and you know all about them (in their minds and emotionally) because you’ve read about them, and don’t necessarily know what they look like, what happens then? Do you just objectify women who you can see face to face?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful words here. As one who has been cheated on and abandoned, I can say the hurt is very real and lasting. The very concern you have to not go down the path of your father can motivate you to make different choices. Keep at it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s not irrational, you just have to know you are stronger than him. You don’t have to live like him. You already know that’s not how women should be treated so you are already one step closer to becoming someone who can shake that feeling. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey, the fact that you care about not being like your father says a lot of good about you.
    I feel like we’re all kinda doomed to be variations on our parents personalities, but we don’t have to wholesale repeat their behavior. Otherwise I’d have to be my mom, and that would be terrible.

    Liked by 2 people

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