An Aspergian Sheds Some Tears, And Light, On His Personal Abuse Story: The Aftermath

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I told you that I’d write a poem based off this story (you should read the original inspiration first, here https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2016/12/11/an-aspergian-sheds-some-tears-and-light-on-his-personal-abuse-story/comment-page-1/), and I will tell you that this poem was the most difficult piece I’ve ever written. It’s that I’m writing a particular poem, it’s remembering what happened and trying to piece it together with words. Each word is like a knife, re-opening each wound, each bruise, and every tear.

This post deals much more with the aftermath of the incident; how it changed me as a person. As someone that struggles with a anxiety and stress, I still don’t know what to think of that day. I still wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I mean, to be beaten in that kind of way, there has to be, right? I’m not perfect, and I’ve done things I regret to the fullest. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s the Aspergers, and maybe I’m as crazy as they say I am. Maybe I’m as rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate as they I am. Maybe it’s because I’m sensitive, and I needed to be taught a lesson. Maybe I needed to be “toughened”. I’ve never been a tough guy, and I’ve never played a sport or done anything of the sort. Maybe that’s how Dad’s toughen up their sons. Beating them underneath beds. Yeah, that’s right. Give their kids hernia’s. How many hospital trips? Check ups. Uncomfortable handling, fondling…

 

I have an open mind

by choice

and a closed heart

by condition

I’m open to new things

but when I meet new people

I wilt inside my prison

Or I think the worst of them

because I’ve been broken

by so many others

Some people I appreciate

more than I should

because I need to fill a hole

and others I appreciate

less than others would

because I can’t see how much they care

With an open mind

I will probably accept you

but with a closed heart

you can only come so far

I am fragile

Snowflakes on a hot road

Fairies in the midst of dragons

I have to protect myself

from the unknown

and as loving as you may be

you are an unknown

Foreign

like a disease

Cancerous

if you penetrate too deep

and I can’t let that happen

Maybe one day

my heart will open

to everyone

but for now

I haven’t figured out the code

Maybe

you could

Maybe you could save me

from falling inside

the black

(Note: At the end of the year, I will post my 2016 Blogger Awards, appreciating the blogs I thought were the best this year. I’ll also be compiling my favorite comments, so I’m especially watching what you leave behind!)

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37 thoughts on “An Aspergian Sheds Some Tears, And Light, On His Personal Abuse Story: The Aftermath”

  1. Sorry this is a story of yours as well as others. As a person moving into a profession of helping, I can say so much but would rather say as a friend, this breaks my heart every time I hear such agonizing pain. I am happy you found a voice, no longer invisible. As you journey, take small steps. Giant leaps. Just please do not retreat. And the rest goes unsaid in tears and groans. Blessings, J

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  2. “I still wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I mean, to be beaten in that kind of way, there has to be, right?”

    Quite the contrary–there’s something wrong with the person beating you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey you. I have lots to say in response to this…but don’t wanna hog the blog comments too much 😊 … First off, your post and follow up poem are brilliant and I can relate to much of what you describe myself. The type of abuse you received was humiliating, and designed to be so. Abuse perpetrators often abuse us in ways that are physically or sexually invasive, because that is a great way to protect them. Abusers know that we wouldn’t wanna talk about this kind of stuff, so their secret becomes our secret, and we carry the load of these traumatic wounds alone and we don’t speak about it, because we are ashamed to. Not only were you beaten up in the groin area, but you had to have unpleasant hospital visits in result of it. Even though you’re a guy and I’m a girl, I had a lot of invasive abusive experiences including vaginal and anal rape, and I even became pregnant several times as a consequence, so I fucking KNOW from the inside out how that kind of thing feels. I’ve spoken to so many survivors now since beginning on my healing journey, and it doesn’t matter what gender you are or what kind of background you’re from or what exact circumstances surrounded your trauma, trauma is trauma, and trauma HURTS and continues to hurt well into our adult lives. You categorically did NOT deserve what happened to you. The shame is on him, not you. There is a thing in psychology called “the great exchange” whereby the shame of the perpetrator is transferred (wrongly) to the victim. Victims start to believe all kinds of negative crap about themselves, because that is the only way we can reconcile that someone we love and we thought loved us, could do such a thing. We put it all onto ourselves, to protect the equilibrium and allow us to maintain a relationship with our parental abuser. What you describe in your poem about closing up and opening your heart (because you both crave affection AND want to protect yourself) is absolutely a classic reaction to childhood abuse. It demonstrates you have an insecure attachment style (disorganised, to be precise). I am exactly the same as you! There is loads more that I could say, but that is my basic quick response πŸ˜‚ I am really really proud of you for writing such truthful and exposing content in your blog, and fully applaud you for doing that. You maybe don’t realise what a huge psychological barrier you’ve smashed through in writing these posts! Well fucking done πŸ‘ This is where your healing can begin my friend. πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜‡πŸ™Œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. That’s a lot, and I’m sure you could’ve said more. Don’t worry about hogging the comments, I enjoy reading what everyone has to say because it makes me a better Devereaux, for myself and for the reader.

      I know about a lot of lies, and I’m glad I’m at the point where I can be this blunt and honest. It hurts, because I have to dig up things I don’t want to or didn’t think I’d have to, but I see so many people like me, who have gone through what I’ve gone through and worse, and I feel for them. I want them to know that yeah, it hurts, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. I feel like talking about these things strengthens this invisible army. My job as a writer is to reach out to others, and if I can do that, then I’ll be more than happy to.

      Thank you for being part of this journey with me, and I hope you stick around!

      Keep shining, Summer. There’s too much darkness in this world for you to go out. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The invisible army is a fantastic concept! I love that!! Honesty is so liberating. I hope everything you write on this subject has a freeing effect on you. It’s also a privilege when writers tell parts of their story-it helps build up a picture of the blogger that is more personalised. I understand you better now 😊 I will promise to stick around. Survivors stick together, and I like to think that what I write spurs people on to be more open about themselves πŸ˜€ Blogging is so rewarding. How do you feel after publishing this? It’s interesting as you talk about lies, and I know that people with aspergers tend to be very honest. It must have been hard to conceal all this, going against your aspergian instincts? Is that correct? It must have been HORRIBLE for you and I completely empathise. I will shine, of course I will 😁 I chose to not go down the suicide route and make something of my life. That purpose is making it easier for survivors to talk about their trauma and begin to heal πŸ˜‡πŸ˜Š I am busy today so I may not get round to emailing you, sorry. I’ll definitely be in touch tomorrow though ok πŸ™‹

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hey Summer, you’re absolutely right. It was hard not saying anything for the longest time, but I didn’t know how to say it, so I kept to myself. Some people can pretend to care about you just to get inside you…I had to wary of that, too.

          Keep shining, Summer. No matter what they say.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. True point. You have to feel safe with a person/people before you disclose anything this personal. I will keep shining, but I have to admit I’m a bit sick of blogging and how certain people react to me. I might lie low, or disable the comments for a while. Thanks for always loyally supporting me and being a friend 😊

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  4. You have to post your blogger Awards before the end of the year so it can be compiled by the organizer. I can send you the link of the post if you want, except if you just want to post it without it being counted.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well… maybe because I know the story behind this heartfelt poetry..
    I think πŸ’­ it was so awesomely written… ..
    So much anguish
    And all the damage that was created..

    Good job πŸ‘..
    love all that feelings that was poured into it..

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I have followed your posts for a while now, felt your sorrow as the days went by.
    I hope in some small way I have helped you with all your pain.
    Keep writing it’s a way of getting through all those bad times.
    I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and 2017 will be the year that everything you do will bring peace to you. Blessings to you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. So I have to say that I really relate to you. Not in exactly the same way of course – it’s weird because for me it is the same but different. I was always in denial, or just didn’t want to believe that I have bipolar. I too had very shitty parents who I have nothing to do with, and I was on my own at 15. I am very social, but at the same time I keep everyone away. No one really gets in my heart you see. If you saw me on the street you would never know how much is dead inside of me. It’s crazy to read what you write and see the differences and similarities. I give you a lot of respect for your honesty and I am glad I came across your work. I have my own site. Its all poetry, everything I don’t show comes out that way. It always has I just didn’t know it. I will continue to read more when I have time. It’s nice to feel a little bit less alone.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Little person (hope you don’t mind me calling you that), you are absolutely right. It DOES feel better not feeling alone. I’m glad we came across each other’s blogs. Writing is therapy for me, and if I can encourage others while doing it, well I consider that a job well done.

      Thanks for stopping by, and keep writing! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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