I really don’t how I came to this. It’s THE most ridiculous piece of inspiration I’ve ever gotten, yet it really captured how I was feeling.
And still do.
See, with us Aspies, anxiety is one of our hallmarks. I get anxious about everything. Things I’ve never done are obvious sores, but even in things I have done I get worried. Because everything doesn’t always happen the same way, unfortunately. What I’ve learned more about myself over the last couple years is that I feel anxious about things I did a long time ago. I think I’ve talked about in the past how I don’t remember much from my childhood, but that’s because the things I do are so…stressful. From being exposed to porn for the first time, and struggling with it for years, to being beat up by my dad and having to be hospitalized for the repercussions, to my teen years where I have been a thorn in the side of my family because they’re all branching out, making new friends, and wanting to do new things….
And all I want to do is write poetry.
I know that’s not a bad choice, but I’m just too scarred. When you’re broken, is throwing yourself back on the field the first thing you do? I’m not broken anymore, but I am scarred, and the scars keep reappearing. They keep me from doing all of that. They keep me from being completely honest with you, because I’ll never tell you everything. I am happy being me. As bland and boring (according to family and old friends) as I may be, I’m at MY best when I’m bland and boring. But the world doesn’t like that. They want this drugged up twerkingcussingDonaldTrumphatingneurotypicalrobot that they can game plan for. They want someone they can hypnotize. Someone that will jump without asking “where”.
I’ll never fit in their fucking boxes, squares, circles, hexagons, trapezoids, or diamonds. This freedom is good and worth having and holding onto, but it doesn’t come without it’s drawbacks. People have left me, forgotten me, used me, and betrayed me. It’s like some asshole raping a blind girl. They can’t do anything about it, and they’re harmless, but you have to dominate them anyway. You have to find some way to appear more powerful. You have to find someway to find some wrong with them…
I hate this world. For quieting us, for silencing us, and for convincing the public that we are stupid, useless, blind, rude, evil, disrespectful, inconsiderate, emotionless, lifeless, and loveless good-for-nothing people.
And even then, some of them don’t even consider us people…
A little sip
and I’m taken back in time
That wonderful moment
when your path crossed mine
I didn’t know
what to say at first
when your flow
quenched my thirst
I took it slow
not knowing what I was tasting
but in no time,
you had me craving
everything about you
This wasn’t a knockoff, no fake
and there wasn’t a single thing about you
that the world could emulate
At least, that’s what I thought
because I soon realized
that I had gulped down poison
I guess ingredient labels can lie