You Want Me? Guess Again: An Aspergian’s Question To The Outside World

 

I get the feeling people love me, or hate me. Some people can’t stand my presence, which doesn’t bother me much because i probably can’t stand theirs, and then there are people that i just can’t seem to get rid of. Like the people that constantly message/text message/whatever me. There’s only a handful, and I mean a handful, of people i actually enjoy talking with. The rest I entertain out of courtesy. My pure aspergian self would just ignore them, but that won’t get me anymore. I used to do that when I was younger, and while I still struggle with daily conversation I’ve progressed a bit and faking it (because thats what it really is) to keep people interested. Still, I struggle in meeting new people and making people interested in me. To most people I seem fairly bland (God, family, school, writing, and my Chiefs. Wow.) and the fact I’m ugly too doesn’t help.

I don’t know how to make myself seem “cool”, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve stopped caring because “cool” doesn’t mean anything in the real world. I wonder what makes me seem interesting to some people,and not to others. It’s crazy, and furthermore, I don’t know how to respond when people say they like me. Aspies lack that “sight”, if you will, and so it only complicates things when it comes to social interaction. I turn away people that like me, because I appear to be unsure myself in what I want. Maybe I’ve turned away a few of you. I don’t know. Apparently you neurotypicals don’t just say “I like you” or “I want to be friends” and instead embark on long and ridiculous stretches of nonverbal mush.

Help me, please.Maybe I need a class on body language. Like, when chicks start opening and closing their legs. What does that mean? And why? Or when people lean towards you when talking? It feels SO DAMN WEIRD.

Ah, life. Thank god I can write poetry. The only way I can explain myself without going absolutely crazy.

 

I am

an Aspergian

often times

regrettably

So, this is to the girl

who’s out there

thinking

I fall in love easily

Do you know

what you’re getting yourself into?

Do you know

what this entails?

Are you ready to pick me up

if I fail?

Will you be strong

when I am weak?

Can you make my heart

beat?

Will you leave me

if I fall?

Or what if

I don’t respond to your call?

When I want to be

alone

Will you

still call my arms “home”

What if I don’t hold you

will you find someone else?

What if I can’t love you

will you leave me cursing myself?

What if I don’t understand the first time

or the second?

Will you wait with me

until the forty-second?

What if I don’t get up

because the world makes me tired?

Will you wake me

and make me inspired?

What if

I’m shy around people

Will you gossip

and encourage the evil?

What if I don’t

know how to dance

will you still give me

a second chance?

What if I don’t know

how to have sex

Will you fail me

like a second grade test?

What if I can’t

kiss you?

Will you forget that I also

miss you?

When I

don’t want to talk

will you stay by my side

as we walk?

When I want

to be silent

Will you shatter me as you

fight it?

I’ll never be

that guy

but can you

give me the chance to try

to not be someone

else’s dream

but to be my own

crazy thing

that hates crowds, spontaneity

and scraping sounds, lately

but loves poetry, nature,

and a girl named Demi

Maybe I’m a little weird

I’m sure you’d agree

But my heart may be open

for you and me