To Heaven, God, Nobody or Anyone Listening…

nano

This last year has been one of the worst in my life. I know I talk about how well I know myself, and you all comment so often about how confident and honest I am, but that’s because I really haven’t talked about what I’ve been going through. The things I’m addicted to, the things I let my mind convince me to be true, and the things I’ve done in the past that I’ve since let go but still affect me. My trip to California was very relieving, but it also made me focus: I’ve completely fallen off the map this year, and I haven’t tried to fix it.

The reality is, I’ve bounced from condescending towards myself, to angry, to deeply depressed. I’ve gained crazy weight because eating is one of the ways I let go and forget about the pain in my head, and then I’m depressed because I look horrible and none of my clothes fit, and then I’m angry because I know I should have more self control, and then I’m condescending through pretending that it really doesn’t matter because I’m not really that big. I feel weaker, but in eating I don’t think about the anxiety, the worries, and the failure, so I feel stronger in some backwards, shitty way. I know its unhealthy to do what I do: eat, and eat, and eat, but I find myself lost in it all just to escape for a few moments.

That’s been a huge part of my struggles this year, but it hasn’t been the only thing.

I’m also addicted to porn. I know, it’s the nastiest, grossest, vilest, and destructive thing a teen boy could be addicted to, but I cant stop it. I get the urge, and I watch. I feel the need, and I watch. I don’t even like porn. I find it disrespectful to women. I think it’s destroying my life. I know I’ll never have a pure relationship with a woman (or anyone in general)because of it. I don’t want this to go on, but I can’t make myself give it up. It’s filthy, and I feel I’m wronging every last woman I’ve ever come across or talked with because of it. I know it will jade my perception of women; making me expect things from them that porn falsely portrays. Making me expect women to be a certain way around me when I know REAL women don’t have to show their tits to know they’re loved, or to know they’re beautiful. I wish I could apologize to each and every one I’ve ever watched, because I’ve seen something I have no right, no claim, to have seen. I’m not married to them, or even friends with them, so why am I enabled to see what I’m too young to even begin to understand. It’s perverted, it’s cheap, and I want to take back every last moment porn has taken from me. I have a dirty mind, and I want to cleanse it. I DON’T CARE if everyone else thinks pornography is okay. I know it’s wrong, and I want to turn the table. Wipe the slate. Turn a new leaf. Whichever fucking saying that fits this setting, I want to have it.

I guess I owe all my female followers an apology, because pornography is sexist. It objectifies women in the WORSE way, and I never want to make your sex out to be something that it’s not. I know I’m not deserving, but I need a chance at redemption.

I’m not a good person. I’m not even a person. I’m a worthless, useless, addict pervert that deserves nothing more than a noose around my neck. I don’t deserve your time, or your attention, or your care.

BUT I GET IT ANYWAY!

WHY?

BECAUSE OF FAITH.

I was raised to be faithful, to trust in God and follow his ways. Porn may have me now, but it doesn’t own me. I have to rise up. I have to take a stand against this crummy, damned part of me that is trying to kill me. I don’t know when my time is up, and I’m trying to get this right before he calls me home. I want to make this right. I want to love PURELY. WHOLLY. TRUTHFULLY.

I can’t go on like this much longer.

I’m writing to you

from the dark

because I’m too afraid

to speak to you in the light

I’m gonna speak

a little informally

because I lost all formality

casting aside bitter life for sweet depression

I’ve spent the last year

trapped in a never ending twilight

and I’ve gotten so comfortable

I gave up the fight

Truthfully

I didn’t want to stop trying

but trying to be something I wasn’t

I got fed up with all the lying

How can I ever have her

perfect and true

when I’m not even a believer

in the one who sent you

I’ve grown fat

figuratively and literally

wasting time in the darkness

I’ve done much wrong, and shamefully

I dug deeper into despair

Bit harder into death’s apple

Sadness was my lair

Aspergers my grapple

my excuse not to push on

as much as it hurts

not to give everything I have

even if friendships never work

I lost the sight

for love, for life

Now I have to get it back

for love, for life

I’ve failed

so many times

and yet here he is

giving me another rhyme

The road to recovery

is long and hard

but I’m determined

to run this ball to the final yard

Returning the enemy’s kicks back

Tyreek Hill

Breaking my head over this neurotypical world

Jack and Jill

I don’t have

what everyone else has

but I’ve got a choice

to live this life, or to pass

I have no friends

and few I can trust

but that doesn’t mean I can’t try

persevere I must

God help me

fight through this

because without you

I’m useless

The road to recovery

will take time

but to get back this life

given by the divine is worth any time

I need my followers, my readers

to be there

Little words can inspire a leader

Please be there

So as you read

these words

know that a life is being changed

The offensive is now; it’s my turn

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35 Replies to “To Heaven, God, Nobody or Anyone Listening…”

  1. In as simple words as I know how to say. In order to becme free from bondage of ny addiction … it must be replace with something. find something you love to read or music to listen to or just as simple a sunset… ho out every night and watch the sunset. At first for just five minutes . In those few minutes think about something else. Each day add a minute until you can watch the whole sunset without thinking about porm. You cannot lose bad habits in a vacuum

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I felt so sad for you when I read your post. You most definitely are NOT A “worthless, useless, addict pervert that deserves nothing more than a noose around my neck” Every person on this earth has weaknesses. We are given weaknesses not only to learn to master, but also to learn humility, kindness and more acceptance for others’ weaknesses. So please…stop being so hard on yourself!
    As for the addiction, you can receive professional help to overcome it. Many, many counselors are trained in helping one to move away from addictions. But in the meantime, since you are a religious person, maybe some of what I’ve copied below will help.
    I just wanted to let you know, as a woman, many of us understand that many men (especially teenage boys) do not engage in pornography because they are trying to be disrespectful. The very fact that you acknowledge this says what kind of decent, respectful, good-hearted person you are! Don’t give up on yourself, Devereaux, you are not alone. Hug!

    This is a wonderful site that can help you immensely. http://www.overcomingpornography.org

    Humility

    To truly conquer pornography and its associated behaviors, individuals must develop humility. Turning to the Lord in humility leads one to accept certain truths, which, when fully understood, provide strength and eliminate shame. Some of these truths include:

    • Each of us is a beloved child of a loving Heavenly Father.
    • Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves and knows each of us personally.
    • Our Savior’s Atonement applies to all of God’s children.
    • Through the grace of Jesus Christ, all can be forgiven and receive the power to change.
    • Each of us has the priceless gift of agency, which allows us to draw on the power and strength of the Atonement.
    • Individuals who struggle with pornography can draw hope from the fact that others have succeeded in this battle.
    • Pornography is evil, but engaging in it does not make the person evil.
    • Any individual can escape the trap of pornography and fully recover, but this is possible only through drawing on the power of the Atonement.
    • True repentance from pornography requires more than simply ceasing to use it. Such repentance requires a change of heart through the Atonement of Christ.
    Accepting these truths prepares one spiritually to act upon them, which opens the door to receiving the Lord’s help to make the needed changes to repent and recover.

    B. Discipleship

    Acting upon these truths also requires individuals to recommit to living as a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ and to doing those things that purify and strengthen them to withstand future temptations. This means commitment to personal religious behaviors: daily meaningful prayer and scripture study, attendance at Church meetings, service, and fasting.

    C. Commitment to a Personal Plan

    Humble disciples of Jesus Christ will gain the sensitivity to recognize the deep feelings, social situations, and physical surroundings that trigger the temptation to use pornography. Having analyzed those triggers, they will develop a personal escape plan to help them:

    • Recognize triggers and cravings as they occur.
    • Establish specific actions to help them withdraw from the temptation.
    • Redirect thoughts and energy toward the Lord.
    • Outline daily specific actions to fortify their personal commitment to live righteously.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Hey that was very brave of you to lay it out like that. As a 40 yr old that has gone through similar crap, you may want to make sure that you don’t exchange one addiction with another. You know what Jesus said about the evil spirit that brings in seven other spirits because it finds his former haunt is nice and tidy now. You have to be mindful about the weight gain and the porn. If the weight gain doesn’t make you feel guilty or depressed, then don’t pay any attention, it might be just a phase, but the porn… watch out. It will strike you down from so many different directions. This is from someone who has gone through the experience full on. Let me just put it down for u very briefly
    1. You will not find normal women attractive, because they wont be able to match the impossibly high standards of physical perfection
    2. Just like any other addiction, you will become desensitized and you will want more and more specialty porn
    3. The liberal media will convince you that its a normal healthy habit, but it’s not… It demoralizes you and numbs your spirit and emotions
    4. If the previous three didn’t get you, this one will definitely get you… GUILT…. It’s worse than all other addictions combined. It will draw you out and make you feel worthless and push you to the edge and force you to abandon everything that you know is true.

    Not trying to scare you… but porn is a serial killer, because it feeds on your lust and perverts your GOD given sexuality

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Devereaux, one of the main hurdles in dealing with something is accepting it is there in the first place and that comes through in this post. The right help and support will guide you to find a way through. Stay strong.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Hello. This is a refreshing post. Your honesty is refreshing and I admire it. Objectification of women in the internet porn and sexy selfie generation is how it is. It isn’t right, but it’s how it is these days. Women conform because the easiest way to get affirmation from men. I think it makes us feel cheap, and it IS less satisfying than real love and real sex. We are all conditioned and groomed by society. I don’t know whether I’d agree that you’ve “sinned” by being addicted to porn. I wouldn’t put that judgement on it. However, you recognise it isn’t healthy, which is different. Fair play to you for being so adult about this. You have my respect and I like you, as a platonic friend 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  6. I am with you on the weight issues, I understand exactly how you feel. I wrote a poem, over and over and over and it pretty much sums it up for me. The porn. This is what I get out of what you’re saying. You’re a teenage boy. You don’t have a girlfriend. You obviously have sexual thoughts. You have an unhealthy appetite for porn. You have needs and at the moment this is the way you satisfy them. I know you feel bad and it is derogatory to women (I agree) but I’d imagine a lot of teenage boys do the same. Don’t beat yourself up so much, you are very hard on yourself. Work on ways to occupy your time where you can lower your porn time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Beth! Haven’t talked in a while….

      Anyway, thanks for the support. I am hard on myself, because I want to do things right. I guess I worry so much about the big stuff, I forget the little things…or vice versa. Whatever…I will take what you’ve said to heart. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for sharing and being open. I want to encourage you with some truths from the Bible. I don’t want to sound preachy, so forgive me if I do, but this was just on my heart after reading your post.

    Remember to give yourself grace. I think the best way to do that is by embracing God’s grace—His free gift to us of forgiveness. That doesn’t mean tolerating sin, but it means relishing forgiveness which is our true reality—a child of God, your true identity. Those who trust in Christ are *not* condemned (Romans 8:1) When I struggle with sin, I try to think that I need to “live out reality” or “live consistently with reality.” In other words, since my sins are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103), and God sees the righteousness of Jesus when He looks at me, I want to live as God sees me (righteously). We don’t have to be slaves to sin. We will struggle with it because we Iive in an imperfect world, but we don’t have to be its slave and heed its every temptation in our hearts. God always promises to provide a way of escape in temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13).

    Sin distances us from God, and sometimes I have found it harder to pray in times when I’m sinning because I sense that tension. But go to Him with your problems and weakness. He revives dead hearts, and He cleanses dirty minds. The Devil wants to convince you to stay away from God because you are a sinful, dirty person, but God is calling you to give up the sin by giving it to Jesus and nailing it to the cross.

    Never forget that Jesus did not die on the cross for you because of how you lived on your best day. Nor did He die for you because you were raised to trust in God. He died for you because of your worst day, your worst sin (Romans 5:8). The moment in your life you have felt most distant from God—Jesus had that moment in mind when He died for you. Because He didn’t want you to have to stay distant.

    I hope you find this encouraging . . . at the very least I encouraged myself through writing/remembering (we constantly need to remind ourselves of truth).

    For information and resources on fighting porn addiction, I recommend: http://fightthenewdrug.org

    Liked by 3 people

  8. You need to somehow transfer the power of your writing into your life… None of us have the power to go back and change yesterday, but we all possess the gift of free will and this allows us to choose our own paths… Since you insist on being so hard on yourself and your human foibles, I suggest you look in the mirror, issue a massive apology for all your past sins and grant your ass a blanket pardon..Then plant a big wet kiss on that reflection looking back at you and commence LOVING yourself…Happiness tis a process that begins and ends with self respect 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m no expert on the matter but here’s the thing.
    Weight gain, no big deal. I find comfort in eating too and this year I gained around 15kg. But no worries we’ll lose the weight. It takes some diet control for a month or two and a bit of exercise. Then you are good to go.
    For the addiction problem I’d suggest to get some help, either someone you trust or/and an expert on the matter.
    Just the fact that you realise that it is a problem is a step forward. A little bit is normal and you will get through this phase. Try a hobby to occupy your mind instead like gym, casual meditation or something.
    Smile today☺

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m stuck on porn…when the reader takes away stuff I like, it’s tough! My collecting (on E-bay) stopped because we ran out of money. I am a diabetic who eats for nervous reasons…and the Lord still loves me (and you). Not sure what else to say—your situation seems similar…but deeper than my own! I know perhaps a little of what you’re going through…not much. That you can write in out in poetic form is a good thing!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. There, there mate… I hear ya. It’s tough and it takes real guts to admit your addictions to food and porn. It might not seem like much, but getting it out like this shows a lot of courage on your part and a willigness to change/love. Which is always a great starting point.

    I think we’re all addicted to something or have some kind of vice we’re not proud of.

    Anyways, hope it gets better for you.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Stay strong, you know what you have been doing, find help, there are places where you can get help, just do it now before it takes your spirit completely away.
    Blessings to you, trust the lord, he is good.

    Liked by 1 person

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