An Aspergian’s Anger At His Own Anger

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Sometimes, I get very fed up with myself. If I’m not feeling guilty and depressed because of my weaknesses, I’m feeling angry about them. There’s no happy medium for me regarding my aspergian tendencies, how they cause me to feel, and what follows suit. I feel angry a lot of times, and I fight with myself mentally all the time.

“That girl said hi to you and you didn’t even respond. Are you crazy?”

“Dude, that chick is hot man. Why didn’t you go talk to her.”

“Bruh, she saw you tense up. No girl is gonna want a shy guy.”

“Dev. You’re telling me you can’t shake someone’s hand?”

“You’re stuttering. You’re fidgeting. God damn it she’s moved on.”

There are many more examples, but these are just a few of the things that run through my mind when I’m out there (and failing) trying to be a normal person. I sometimes wonder why I try at all. I’m a horrid actor, yet I’m afraid that if I just said I’m on the spectrum, people would shy away from me more than what they already do. It’s a saddening proposition, and it only makes the pain worse.

WRITING TO THE RESCUE…eh, maybe not…

This is a really bad song (don’t know why it came out this way), but I actually felt satisfied after writing it. I’m thinking “Damn it, Devereaux. You wrote this stupid ass song that nobody is going to understand, and yet you feel empowered by it. What am I do with this?”

Truthfully, I don’t know. I’ve never written a song before, and there’s no music to this (I’m a poet, not a musician), but I hope you get something from it and maybe you can see where I’m coming from. That’s why I write: to open the kinds, ears, and hearts of those not on the spectrum to those that are. 

You had your chance

and you blew it

You had your chance

and you knew it

Wake up feeling down

Down a couple pills

And now excuse me, if you will

but I can’t be with you now

Baby, I know your name

but I don’t know what you like

And baby, I know your name

but you’re not in my sight

You try to break me open

and I tighten up more

You could beat me, beat me like a filthy convict

and I’d still be numb, even with the open sores

You could love me, love me like Venus

and I still couldn’t hold you, my life

just can’t see your love, your reasons,

your thinking just isn’t my type

You had your chance

blew it harder than a porn star

You had your chance

knew it like Marcel Petiot behind bars

I’m writing to you

From the East Coast to Big Ben

All along I knew,

but I held on like a guilty pleasure, a sin

that could never be pardoned

No blood could reverse

this burden, this marking

that eats away like a curse

I wish I could go back

to the day that we crossed paths

Reverse this time, damn

me for ever falling for your ass

That body, I’d never seen before

and a smile

that I’d get down my knees for

This story didn’t have an end

Just us living on

But now I know that it wasn’t to be

there was an end to this song

I wish things ended differently

that we’d find us

But it ended like it started, quickly

falling, kneeling in the dust

I had your chance

and I blew it

You had your chance

and you knew it

 

(IF you have any suggestions on what kind of music would go with this, or lyrical suggestions, please leave them in the comment section below)

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29 thoughts on “An Aspergian’s Anger At His Own Anger”

  1. it’s me again, and I’ve just read your post about aspie’s and relationships, and I can see that I am older than you so can give you some advice which I wish had been given to me. Give up. No! I’m only joking 🙂 but I couldn’t resist it lol. I also wrote a post about aspie’s and relationships several months ago so if you want to have a laugh (it does look a bit funny sometimes looking back at it), but I want to tell you what I have learned over the years.
    There will definitely be women who will make the first move, so you need to learn how to recognise it, and learn how to respond. You need to study and by that I mean get the books on body language, and root around online for articles preferably written by psychologists about body language, and learn learn learn. It might never come naturally to you but learning this stuff will help to shorten the recognition time, shorten the delay in processing which we are so prone to. My ex-wife told me that if she’d waited for me to figure out how she felt she’d have been waiting for ever so she just went for it.
    Don’t fall in love straight away, it scares them off. If you feel that way then wait until you’ve known each other a little while before you say anything, and remember that a woman is like a work of art that has come to life.The right woman, if she is the right one, will be patient with you if you ask her to be. And don’t talk about her to your friends and acquaintances, one of them might be a traitorous sod who was after her and wants you out the way. Some people can be seriously nasty and I mean seriously.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There is always another chance, another girl/boy/friend, another hope for connection. You have to remember that every person you meet has the same soundtrack looping in their mind.

    This is an awesome song that I send to everyone.

    CMA Runaway ft. Wonder (Original Mix)

    Like

  3. This is a great post, and the words to the song are amazing. I do understand your frustration. I used to have really bad social anxiety and would beat myself up for all the stupid things I said and did, but I know now, I wasn’t half as socially inept as I ever thought I was. Anxiety distorts the truth, making you perceive yourself in a very unfairly negative light. Approaching women when you’re on the autistic spectrum does present a massive challenge though, there’s no denying that, so I do understand to an extent how you feel. Personally as a woman I would find it endearing if a guy told me upfront that he had ASD, I’d be patient and open minded, probably far more than if I didn’t know the reasons why you were maybe slightly different to the average guy. I believe honesty is always the best policy. I feel for you, and I hope you persist until you do find women who like you for you. Although rejection is really hard to deal with, just think of it, if anyone doesn’t react positively when you tell them you’re on the autistic spectrum or shies away, you are just weeding out the shallow ones that are no good for you instantaneously. You save yourself the bother of lots of dates that go nowhere…you weed out the nasties there and then, just based on their initial reaction to you. I am sorry you feel this pain-it really sucks 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love you Summer. Your words are encouraging and well received.

      Challenge indeed, and I know it’s lazy on Mt part to just give up, but the rejection/disappointment hurts so much I’d rather not endure it. That’s something I need to work on, I guess.

      I’d love to find a girl like you, who wouldn’t mind a guy on the spectrum…without being condescending and then treating me like I’m totally incapable.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yeah I understand. There are loads of positive strengths to ASD. But not everyone is aspie friendly, which is a crap thing about society 😒😞 You’re definitely not incapable. You have aspergers don’t you. That is higher functioning autism isn’t it? You’re very intelligent I’d expect. Having aspergers might reduce your field of available women to an extent, but that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for you. I believe there is hope for everyone 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You’re right, but aspie friendly is a very weird friendly, and unless they don’t care/are aspies themselves, it’s harder to befriend them.
          Everybody says I’m intelligent, but when you’re so incapable of doing the simplest things (like saying hi), it makes you feel so stupid.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. I didn’t stop being socially inept till I was about 25! and in the last ten years I’ve gradually found my real personality and confidence to be myself. You can’t rush it hun. It is trial and error and mistakes are inevitable.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I know exactly what you mean, I get angry with myself a lot, and I don’t want people to know I’m on the autistic list because I have a pretty good idea based on previous experiences exactly how they will react. The trouble is that men are always expected to make the first move, but how can you if you can’t see and the woman doesn’t say anything? By the time you figure it out it’s too late and the moment has gone, and you can never get it back.

    Liked by 1 person

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