California Blues: An Aspergian’s Exhaustion With Guilt

 

zerozero

I’M BACK EVERYONE

I never really left, but this is my first post in six days because I couldn’t get consistent wifi on the cross country bus trip to California, and this is the first time I’ve been able to use a device that could actually support WordPress. I’ve gotten some nice pictures, and I’m extra stoked because my sister’s competitions start today.

I haven’t been handling the people pressure, though. There’s thousands of people at this pageant, and because the city is so busy (thanks Disneyland) I don’t have anywhere I can escape it all. It’s depressing me, and I feel awful. I know, “you shouldn’t feel sorry for something you can’t control”, but every time I go out and see all these personable, outgoing people I can’t help but feel wrong…

Backwards…

Alien….

Just plain stupid…

I’ve been writing a lot, Β which has helped immensely, but it can’t taken away the ache and pain of this guilt that overwhelms me.

I KNOW IT’S NOT MY FAULT, BUT WHY CAN’T I GET RID OF THIS FEEELING. IT’S TAKING ME SOMEWHERE I’M NOT READY TO GO!

It’s stressful, but what choice do I have? Jump into the Pacific Ocean? I can’t do that. I mean, I could, but I’m not ready to end my life. That’s too finite, and I would feel awful leaving the people I love without any explanation. Besides, killing myself doesn’t fix anything and I become an awful example to all those who have my problems, and live on. Tomorrow…tomorrow…I have to see it, because it might hold my redemption.

I’m gonna put my defenses up, cause I don’t wanna fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I’d have a heart attack. Seriously, forget girlfriends/wife/etc, it’s not happening. Hopefully I’ll stop writing about it and write about something that I’ll actually experience.

Love you, Demi xoxoxo

dak

Eyes straddle the swaying hips

of death

and even when the knife plunges deep

I bask in her loving breath

Because

I have nothing else to love

but memory

and even memory

betrayed me for another

Another lover that loved

the way it was expected

Who could function normally

without being corrected

I was left empty

forgotten by all

remembered by none

and yet it was this

plentiful emptiness

that made me feel full

complete

All this time

little did I realize

I was bleeding out

bleeding from the hell

bleeding from the heart

of everything I tried to ignore

I needed love

I needed her

I just didn’t know

how to ask

 

Wake me up

before I fall

before I become a victim

t0 the mess of it all

Don’t sing me a song

I’m too far away to hear those tunes

Mortal words cannot pierce these walls of eternal abyss

Don’t read me a story

I’m too deep within my own

Mortal man cannot break the spell

Just

Touch

Me

for spirit can still reach me

for hope is still near me

Just

Hold

Me

before I

fade

 

 

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “California Blues: An Aspergian’s Exhaustion With Guilt”

          1. 2008 was Rodgers first season at 6-10. Since then they’ve never missed the playoffs. Worst season was 2013 at 8-7-1. The defense has been sliding for years, bad draft picks and too many injuries.

            Liked by 1 person

I'm interested in hearing what you have to say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s