An Aspergian’s Thoughts On Anger

 

I can be a very angry person. It doesn’t take much, either. It’s not a chip on the shoulder thing, but rather an aspergian thing. The common misconception about us is that we are emotionless, but the reality is that we feel emotion VERY deeply. Now, whether that’s happiness, sadness, or anger depends on the day. I’m rarely on the high end of happiness, but it’s the sadness or anger that really swings. Some days, like a couple weeks ago, the mere mention of a single word can make me tear up in an instant. Other weeks, it’s the exact opposite. I used to have an anger problem as a kid. I remember being six or seven and just uncontrollable. I broke things, I smashed things, and I made an all around mess when things didn’t go in a way I didn’t understand. Much of it was because of things my dad would do, and I fault it was justified, but as I grew up I realized I couldn’t let someone drive me to such madness, even if he was wrong. Nowadays, thanks to more prayer (and writing) it’s not much of problem, but every once and a while it flares up and I have to remember the verse “do not let the sun go down on your anger”.

What’s also troubling is when the anger and sadness combine. Yes, that can happen. I can be angry about something, and then I find myself in a corner bawling my eyes out. That’s happened too many times to remember. I don’t know how it happens, but aspergians are more emotional than we get credit for, and the overwhelming chaos is sometimes too much. Other times, I can be crying and then I become a raging fireball. That’s happened before too. I get upset over something, and I go from vulnerable to overly aggressive. It’s caught some by surprise, but it often leaves me wasted, and I often revert back to sadness because the emotions range so far, so quickly, I can’t keep up.

People ask what makes me angry. There’s not a lot, because some things I don’t register. Meanness makes me angry, as does lying and semantics. Memories make me angry, too. I hate to think of my kid days, because I remember so many of the bad things I get worked up.Β Β Politics also makes me angry, mainly because of the blatant ignorance and stupidity of many involved, but also because I’m black and thus I have to be democrat and hate anything conservative.

This will probably be the last “An Aspergian’s Thoughts On…” post for a bit, because I’ve got a lot more poems that don’t deal so much with Aspergers. Thursday is also drawing near, and I can’t wait to share photos and poetry regarding my trip with you. I’ve received a lot of positive feedback, and I’m grateful to all of you who have taken the time to read through my shyness and confusion and listen to the message I’m trying to say. The kind words are really fun to wake up to, and when I’m feeling down (which is often, like, right now), they make my day a little easier to traverse.

 

Let all your bad dreams

become her paralyzing fear

Let all your unrequited desire

become her deathbed wishes

Let all your tears

become her drowning whirlpool of kisses

Let all your lonely nights

become her sunny day, cloudy and drear

Let your noose

become her handcuffs

Let your cupped hands

become her muffler

 

Blue sky

green trees

is what I used to see

before crimson skin

and black heart

possessed me

I used to see

big smiles

and bright light

before brown-stained tiles

and black bands

escalated my fright

I used to see

open hands

and willing hearts

before time

and fatal friends

tore me apart

Now I see burn marks in rugs

from candles knocked on the floor

Intentional

but forgettable

because I won’t see them anymore

Now I see melted skin

from lighters gone awry

Irresistible

and memorable

because I can’t forget a lie

 

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21 Replies to “An Aspergian’s Thoughts On Anger”

  1. I’m glad you corrected the perception that aspies are un-emotional. I feel my emotion very strong too. I have BPD, which affects emotional regulation on a neurological as well as cognitive level. It isn’t dissimilar to people like yourself who reside on the autistic spectrum. I love your poems and commentary on the world 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, that “aspie’s aren’t emotional” thing has been bugging me for awhile. I think its disrespectful on the highest level, like we’re just zombies (although we can be like that from time to time).

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Summer πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

          1. Is it easier online.. without all the subtle non verbal communication and social demands? I used to be bad at reading people too, but I made myself be social relentlessly and all that time was a great learning experience. I made tons of social mistakes but I’ve improved so much and am no longer socially anxious. I still don’t fit easily with the majority of people though. I just find “my people.” I understand the weirdness of feeling accepted too. Therapy has helped me lots with that. I’m really sorry you feel so alien to the world. I can relate as I used to feel that acutely. It gets better though 😊

            Like

          2. Like playing a game on it’s lowest level easy. But it’s also alienating, because I’ll never know if they actually care or if they’re just saying things to pat themselves on the back, so in all, I really don’t gain anything.

            Social anxiety has made my nose bleed. I get so nervous I literally lose all control of myself. It’s hilariously sad.

            I hate being alienated, but at the same time, people leave me alone. So I have that. :/

            Liked by 1 person

          3. Paranoia and self doubt is a big thing for you because you feel unable to have any confidence in your social instincts. That’s hard πŸ˜–πŸ˜© I did a vlog on social anxiety a while back. It is beatable πŸ™†πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ I hate that you feel alienated 😦 I understand

            Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Michelle. Honesty is key, because without it, nobody will ever know there’s a problem. I’ve had to tell some people that, yes, I’m on the spectrum, and I’m going to be behind. It hurts a little, but it helps in the long run because they know how to deal with me.

      Liked by 1 person

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