An Aspergian’s Thoughts On Anxiety

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I’m very, very excited to tell you that I’ll be leaving Maryland this Thursday for California for my sister’s pageant (which you can read more about here https://www.gofundme.com/darrea, and I would be honored by your donation).  While this is going to be an amazing experience (and my second time there), I cannot outrun my Aspergian tendencies.

The nerves will be real.

I’m going cross-country. On a bus with people I don’t know. From states I’ve never been to. For nearly three days. For someone like me, that’s like walking into a room full of black widows, locking the door, and then setting yourself on fire. People grate my nerves like cheese, and then expect me to be a functioning part of society. It’s unfair, really, because it’s not something I can control. I am appalled at the amount of people, and the notion, that assumes that anxiety (and the problems that come with it) are our problem and we’re simply rude people. I’ve been told that before, and hurt me to my core. If only they knew, if only they knew….

You’ve done this before, people say, but in our reality, it doesn’t matter how many times we do something. Nothing’s ever the same twice, and while I can guess what might happen, I’ll never know exactly because it’s 2016, not 2015. I hate the anxiety I get, because it keeps me from being who I really am. I close up, shut down, and become the walking dead. I ignore everyone, even the people closest to me, because the anxiety is a hostile takeover. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll have plenty of time to write. Hopefully that’ll quell the pain…

So, in preparation of my upcoming trip, I wrote these poems…

 

The day is gone

I missed you

The night will be long

I missed you

Sweaty hands writing anxious letters

I missed you

Chest weighed down with unsaid words

I missed you

Head stuffed with promises you never heard

I missed you

I could reveal

 

Knock, knock

who’s there

no, why do I ask

you’re just going to give me another grievous task

Tick tock

I’m here

future is on the spot

I laugh, I joke, at the future I could have bought

but I didn’t want

because I was too afraid

too afraid to take control of my life

yet equally afraid to cleanse the strife

 

Hands over my ears

as you give life to my fears

I’m trying to hear nothing

and yet everything is too much

 

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