An Aspergian’s Wishes

 

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I’m a writer. I live in a city where drugs, prostitution, and criminals run rampant, so I spend a lot of time dreaming. Not living mindlessly, but dreaming about a better life, a better city, and a better community for teen Baltimoreans like myself. I come from a rough background, and I’ve seen far more death and sadness than any kid should see, but I let it empower me to reach for new heights.

I’m also an aspergian. Much of what fuels my writing is my wishes for a better life. Not a six-pack, model girlfriend, or million dollar paychecks, because those are unrealistic and worthless, but dreams of friendship and the ability to function in a fast paced, neurotypical world.

I’ve followed a lot of blogs on here that talk about their autism, and I applaud them. This life isn’t easy, and we’re often targets of bullying, laughter, and joking. I can’t count how many times people on social media used autism as an insult. For example, if someone tweets something they don’t agree with, someone might say “this isΒ autism” or “this gave me autism”. It’s this ignorance, stupidity, and crudeness that makes having autism such a stigma.

Many people have asked what I wish for, and I’m unable to say. I’m still not ready to go public about my autism.(I talk about here, but I never mention it when I’m in daily life. If you have, please comment below and tell me how you did it.)

I used to feel cast down, broken, and held captive by my aspergian life. I thought it was the end of me, and I would always be a slave to something I will never see. You (unless you’re on the spectrum) could never understand the pain I feel when I talk with people and know the disappointment, the failure. I’m not on their level, I never will be, and it’s brought me to tears sometimes. It hurts that hard, and it takes so much from me, because I have to keep doing it. I have no choice but to take part of this cyclical self-suicide. I’ve yet to run across a fellow aspergian (and knew he/she had it), someone who knows what this side feels like, and I wish I could befriend one. Someone I can talk to, and mean talk to. A neurotypical can’t understand what autistic burnout feels like, and how could they really help me get through it?

My family doesn’t understand, people I know don’t understand, people I don’t know understand, and the worse part? THEY NEVER WILL. I could tell them, show them the science, and they still wouldn’t understand. We will never understand, and it is this eternal divide that fuels me to write and to share with you.

I have a lot of wishes. Wishes of things I’ve never seen. Wishes of things I have seen, but can’t understand. Wishes I have for people I know. Wishes I have for you. Wishes for now. Wishes for the future.

Most people

wish for presents

or a big house

or a new car

or a girlfriend

I just ask for the strength to say hello

Β 

I hate hugs

and hand holding

Touching

and whispering

Walking together

and kissing

but I love empty pages

 

Our suffering is internal

yet our march goes on

Our suffering is eternal

for our march goes on

Who hears a silent cry?

Who knows a dream?

 

A shadow can be nothing to you

an imagination, a figment of possibility from ever-fading reality

Or, a shadow can be everything to you

hope of reality, and possibility

because false hope

is better than none

 

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25 thoughts on “An Aspergian’s Wishes”

  1. Hello!

    After hearing about you from someone, I was quite surprised at what I found on your blog. Reading it… I cried. Maybe it’s because I can relate to quite a lot of what you’ve been through. I didn’t know that of all places that on WordPress, I would finally find someone like me. Someone who knows what it’s like. Welp, I can’t wait to hear more from you soon!

    Like

    1. Hi!

      I’m glad I found you too, because your work is incredible. I don’t know anyone (personally) myself who has what I have, so I’m glad I found someone who’s on this side.

      Can’t wait to hear from you too. πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. You have a gift in writing and expressing yourself this way. My oldest has parts of Aspergers and he never really told anyone until he got to high school and he realized he would upset people for seemingly no reason that he could see. He goes to a private school that is smaller (around 425 students) and he decided to do a presentation with his computer and talking to explain his Aspergers. It helped but he still struggles and I tell him when he’s not showing social etiquette so he can maybe remember the next time. It’s been a long road but it’s getting better for him. He likes to act and perform, be a different character. That is his form of expression where yours is writing. I love that you both have those outlets, because I know, from walking through it with my son, how isolating it can be. Great job!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. He’s always been in a private school that is smaller while his younger brother went to the township school. We also put him in social groups as he got to new stages of life so he could learn how to interact at a different level. They really helped in plus he knew most of the kids from Kindergarten.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Your expression is powerful.. it reminds me of what a friend said to me today..
    For any or all of our differences we all want for ‘love’… this word ‘love’ means something different to all of us…
    And what we can feel, from and with others, is directly correlated to what we give ourselves… no matter who or what we are we must cultivate acceptance and love of our own personal self and existence… through this we will draw likeness from the souls around in our realm… open yourself to the possibility of finding what you want and don’t decide what package it has to come in…
    I’m so very glad to hear that you blog and use this avenue to release, communicate and even connect..

    Liked by 1 person

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