I’ve been enjoying blogging more as of late, because I’m combining my love of poetry with my own aspergian twist. I’m seriously considering collecting these poems for an anthology, but that’ll take some time.
Anyway, to the story. (And in respect of the people I’m speaking of, I will not use their actual names)
Two years ago at Stevenson’s Creative Writing Camp, I met these two girls. I got to know them for the course of the camp, and talked a lot with one in particular. We even spent a day together at the movies, dinner, and other fun stuff. Then, a month later, I stopped hearing from her. I didn’t know if she had changed her number or what, but I felt very disappointed by the sudden disconnect. I went through our hundreds of texts in a desperate attempt to figure out what I may have said, or suggested. I couldn’t find anything, but I did read something that convinced me I had made a mistake.
I texted too much.
I thought it was a joke at first, but then I realized it was true. I hadn’t realized it at first, but I was so happy that I had a friend, I didn’t realize how annoying and needy I was actually being. I think she did the right thing by refusing to respond rather than telling me off. I’m grateful she had that much respect for me, but looking back I feel like a total dunce. I am needy, unfortunately, because I cling to the first person that actually talks to me.
Because I get it so little. I was so unused to having “friendship” that I didn’t know how to make one work, and in the end, I lost everything I thought I had. I could have used the excuse “she wasn’t really a friend anyway”, but that would do nothing to dent the fact that I didn’t know what I was doing, and I turned her away. If I could meet her again, I’d do it a different way, but as an aspergian, I know there aren’t many second chances for people like us. It’s saddening, because I was so close to what I used to want, but also depressing, because I replay that moment, that guilt, over and over again.
Like usual, I wrote about it to make myself feel better.
I could scream at you right now
I really could
But I bet you could do the same to me
For not hearing you
Or listening to you
For not understanding how you think
Or why you act
Some might say I really don’t care about you
Or we aren’t a good match
Because we don’t see eye to eye
What you see as pretty, I see ugly
Where you see success, I see failure
I’ll never be good enough for you
You are confident, I tremble
You lead, I struggle
You know, I follow
You speak out, I speak to my heart
I know I’ll never be good enough for you
But who said friendship had to be the same
shape, color, and size?
Is love all balconies and royal purple sunsets
but no deep green and black clouds shrouded in hail?
All Florida sun tanned skin revealed by mini bathing suits
and no raging tsunamis, splintering bones and scattering the dead?
Every tornado comes from a sunny, blue sky
And thunderstorms lead to rainbows
In the same way, opposites can attract
Could we have found friendship and we can have it
Maybe one day, I’ll be good enough for you
Lastly, to my neurotypical readers (particularly the ladies), I’m asking this as a friend: How much is too much text/calling/email/tweets/snapchat/etc.?