An Aspergian’s Thoughts On What He Thought Was Friendship

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I’ve been enjoying blogging more as of late, because I’m combining my love of poetry with my own aspergian twist. I’m seriously considering collecting these poems for an anthology, but that’ll take some time.

Anyway, to the story. (And in respect of the people I’m speaking of, I will not use their actual names)

Two years ago at Stevenson’s Creative Writing Camp, I met these two girls. I got to know them for the course of the camp, and talked a lot with one in particular. We even spent a day together at the movies, dinner, and other fun stuff. Then, a month later, I stopped hearing from her. I didn’t know if she had changed her number or what, but I felt very disappointed by the sudden disconnect. I went through our hundreds of texts in a desperate attempt to figure out what I may have said, or suggested. I couldn’t find anything, but I did read something that convinced me I had made a mistake.

I texted too much.

I thought it was a joke at first, but then I realized it was true. I hadn’t realized it at first, but I was so happy that I had a friend, I didn’t realize how annoying and needy I was actually being. I think she did the right thing by refusing to respond rather than telling me off. I’m grateful she had that much respect for me, but looking back I feel like a total dunce. I am needy, unfortunately, because I cling to the first person that actually talks to me.

Why?

Because I get it so little. I was so unused to having “friendship” that I didn’t know how to make one work, and in the end, I lost everything I thought I had. I could have used the excuse “she wasn’t really a friend anyway”, but that would do nothing to dent the fact that I didn’t know what I was doing, and I turned her away. If I could meet her again, I’d do it  a different way, but as an aspergian, I know there aren’t many second chances for people like us. It’s saddening, because I was so close to what I used to want, but also depressing, because I replay that moment, that guilt, over and over again.

Like usual, I wrote about it to make myself feel better.

I could scream at you right now

I really could

But I bet you could do the same to me

For not hearing you

Or listening to you

For not understanding how you think

Or why you act

Some might say I really don’t care about you

Or we aren’t a good match

Because we don’t see eye to eye

What you see as pretty, I see ugly

Where you see success, I see failure

I’ll never be good enough for you

You are confident, I tremble

You lead, I struggle

You know, I follow

You speak out, I speak to my heart

I know I’ll never be good enough for you

But who said friendship had to be the same

shape, color, and size?

Is love all balconies and royal purple sunsets

but no deep green and black clouds shrouded in hail?

All Florida sun tanned skin revealed by mini bathing suits

and no raging tsunamis, splintering bones and scattering the dead?

Every tornado comes from a sunny, blue sky

And thunderstorms lead to rainbows

In the same way, opposites can attract

Could we have found friendship and we can have it

Maybe one day, I’ll be good enough for you

Lastly, to my neurotypical readers (particularly the ladies), I’m asking this as a friend: How much is too much text/calling/email/tweets/snapchat/etc.?

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24 thoughts on “An Aspergian’s Thoughts On What He Thought Was Friendship”

  1. Another powerful and reflective piece Devereaux. Sometimes the written word can be deceptive, as the interpretation of the reader can be different to the writer. With blogging you get to understand a little of people’s character through the style and content of their writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re absolutely right

      I’ve learned to take rejection a little less hard because I know there’s so many people like me going through the same thing, but it still hurts, and I try to draw on that when I write.

      Thanks for commenting again Davy. Have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t answer your question about how often you should text. It was phone calls to make arrangements when I was your age 🙂 I still came on too heavy with a couple of boys though, and vice versa. The ‘neurotypical’ get it wrong a lot too! Could you just be honest with people? If you get to the stage where you’ve met a couple of times and you’re starting to text each other and feeling like friends, tell them you have trouble working out what’s too much/too little contact for a person. Ask them if they could tell you how often they’re like to be contacted? Then you’d maybe find they’re creatures of habit, or that they’re completely random and you could work out ways around that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I try not to ask a lot of questions, because then I sincerely feel like I read a manual the night before and feels forced. Then again, it is to a certain extent. Whatever.

    Great to hear from you again, and thanks for reading and the help regarding the question. 🙂

    Like

  4. It is heartbreaking to read this. Because, ending friendships hits more than romantic relationships. Because friendships should not end.

    The poem you write is so raw. I can feel your pain. And I am happy you write to release pain.

    Lastly, about your question. I am not sure if there is a concrete answer. Ladies are different. For me, there is no too much. Because I am kind of loquacious, I want to talk and talk and talk. So no texts or messages will be too much. Though it is different with other girls.

    Thank you for sharing this with us!

    Liked by 1 person

          1. i am not sure… i have several friends here online. and i think… frienships are made through words. not just by asking certain questions. their words reflect who they are. and i think my words reflect who i am. and i think they like it. hehe. 🙂 ❤

            Liked by 2 people

  5. Well, here’s what I do at the beginning of a budding friendship, ask what he or she likes or dislikes and such. It cuts down on misunderstandings. It’s always better to ask than assume you can call as much as you want. I’m a person who doesn’t need to be called on a regular basis. My advice is to communicate, ask questions. Eventually, you will get the feel of what and what not to do based on a friend’s idiosyncrasies. Some things you can sense. Hope that helped.

    Liked by 2 people

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