This is a difficult topic for me to talk about, mainly because it’s arguably the biggest problem for Aspergians. I’ve lost so many friends, and turned away an unknown amount, simply because of my aspergian tendencies. The lack of eye contact, the rigidness and awkward appearance in social situations, the fidgeting/hand flapping/excessive motions, and the general shyness and unwillingness to pursue relationships. I’ve never had true, close friend.
And I’ll be in college soon.
It doesn’t matter who. Boys. Girls. Ugh, especially them. Nothing against the individuals I’ve attempted to befriend (they were all amazing and beautiful and I wish them much luck), but they simply demand so much that I will never be able to provide. Yes, I said never, and that seems stone cold, but it’s my reality. I don’t express emotion very well, and I don’t understand what other people are feeling when they’re being emotional. Often, I just stand there and say nothing, which might work sometimes, but in other situations people may want comfort or kind words, and I just don’t have it in me. Girls like to talk too, and I, well, I just don’t have it. It’s not that I don’t have anything to talk about, but I have to get their attention, and they have to want to talk to me, and I have to be open and in good mood. Very rarely (and I mean, RARELY) do all those factors come together at the same time on the same day. Before I learned I had Aspergers, I thought I’d like to get married, but since then I’ve changed my views. Find me a girl that could put up with endless moodiness from a shy dude (a social no-no) who struggles to find “normal” employment and provides little to no emotional support while preferring to be alone 95% of the time, and I’ll find you a penguin in Australia.
Okay, maybe she does exist, but I haven’t found her.
Besides, the only thing worse to me than trying to find a girl when I’ll clearly never be that kind of guy is getting stuck in a relationship that will never work and ends up hurting the girl more than anything. I hate to hurt people, and even though I say offhanded things that actually do (Aspergians speak their mind. We’re known to be brutally honest), intentionally hurting someone is not who I am. I’d rather be lonely than have someone and make their lives a living hell. I know what the ugly side of me looks like, and I couldn’t bear making someone else endure that just so I could feel better about myself.
I see other guys with girlfriends and I feel bad, honestly. It’s depressing, really. I don’t understand why, and I never have, but it’s something that makes me feel awful inside.
So, in light of my failures, I wrote these poems….
(On failing everyone’s expectations)
Is it fair that you
go here and there
and never take me with you?
Are you afraid of what I cant do?
(On being unable to reciprocate feelings of others)
I said I was ready
but I’m really not
I said I’d think about it
But I haven’t given it much thought
Every time your eyes rise
my heart thuds, and eyes drop
because I know something is here
but I was never taught
what to say
The love you have will never be bought
but seeing your love for me,
that vision, I have not