An Aspergian’s Thoughts On A Neurotypical World and Relationships

nano

This is a difficult topic for me to talk about, mainly because it’s arguably the biggest problem for Aspergians. I’ve lost so many friends, and turned away an unknown amount, simply because of my aspergian tendencies. The lack of eye contact, the rigidness and awkward appearance in social situations, the fidgeting/hand flapping/excessive motions, and the general shyness and unwillingness to pursue relationships. I’ve never had true, close friend.

And I’ll be in college soon.

It doesn’t matter who. Boys. Girls. Ugh, especially them. Nothing against the individuals I’ve attempted to befriend (they were all amazing and beautiful and I wish them much luck), but they simply demand so much that I will never be able to provide. Yes, I said never, and that seems stone cold, but it’s my reality. I don’t express emotion very well, and I don’t understand what other people are feeling when they’re being emotional. Often, I just stand there and say nothing, which might work sometimes, but in other situations people may want comfort or kind words, and I just don’t have it in me. Girls like to talk too, and I, well, I just don’t have it. It’s not that I don’t have anything to talk about, but I have to get their attention, and they have to want to talk to me, and I have to be open and in good mood. Very rarely (and I mean, RARELY) do all those factors come together at the same time on the same day. Before I learned I had Aspergers, I thought I’d like to get married, but since then I’ve changed my views. Find me a girl that could put up with endless moodiness from a shy dude (a social no-no) who struggles to find “normal” employment and provides little to no emotional support while preferring to be alone 95% of the time, and I’ll find you a penguin in Australia.

Okay, maybe she does exist, but I haven’t found her.

Besides, the only thing worse to me than trying to find a girl when I’ll clearly never be that kind of guy is getting stuck in a relationship that will never work and ends up hurting the girl more than anything. I hate to hurt people, and even though I say offhanded things that actually do (Aspergians speak their mind. We’re known to be brutally honest), intentionally hurting someone is not who I am. I’d rather be lonely than have someone and make their lives a living hell. I know what the ugly side of me looks like, and I couldn’t bear making someone else endure that just so I could feel better about myself.

I see other guys with girlfriends and I feel bad, honestly. It’s depressing, really. I don’t understand why, and I never have, but it’s something that makes me feel awful inside.

So, in light of my failures, I wrote these poems….

(On failing everyone’s expectations)

Is it fair that you

go here and there

and never take me with you?

Are you afraid of what I cant do?

 

(On being unable to reciprocate feelings of others)

I said I was ready

but I’m really not

I said I’d think about it

But I haven’t given it much thought

Every time your eyes rise

my heart thuds, and eyes drop

because I know something is here

but I was never taught

what to say

The love you have will never be bought

but seeing your love for me,

that vision, I have not

 

 

 

Advertisements

33 Replies to “An Aspergian’s Thoughts On A Neurotypical World and Relationships”

  1. A really insightful read, thank you for sharing it! If it means anything, I connect to this but from the side of your future penguin wherever they are (totally embracing this as a metaphor 🙂 ). While my partner’s family chose not to take a doctor’s observations any further as a kid, the behaviours and tendencies are indicative of being on the spectrum, albeit high-functioning. I feel for you when you describe the difficulty of getting to know you, when you clearly know yourself so well, because all the things you list as barriers are the very things I see and love in my partner (ok, and occasionally have a go at him for but ten years, I’m allowed that much): the lack of eye contact, expressing emotion, awkwardness in social settings, the fidgeting.

    But I bet, and I can tell simply from reading this post, you feel things very deeply, and that’s an aspect about yourself to treasure. My partner has always been my polar opposite, and it took him a few years to let that side of him surface. I would always say (and still do) that I’m not a mind reader; even if it bores you, just tell me, and then it’s done. Essentially: you’ll be fine, and when that someone comes along, they’ll take the time to get to know you. The fact that you’re trying says everything it needs to 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment.

      The penguin metaphor has been a big hit!

      I can tell you this, as someone on the side of your partner, it’s not intentional, and while we may not express it, I’m sure you’ve noticed he loves you in his own way. I’ve read a lot about how aspie/normal relationships don’t work, so I’m hoping you two last.

      You’d think I’d treasure the ability to feel things deeply, but I can’t. Not now, anyway. I feel things deeply and I kinda wallow in them because I get lost in the emotion.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Whether it makes another ten years or not, every relationship/friendship has its ups and downs. Some are easy to run, others require work. It’s just about finding what works for the both of you. Admittedly in the case of my partner, he’s a shadow of his former self – the boy I met at 16 wasn’t as open and communicative as he is now. Although maybe that’s what Scots do to the English – live here long enough, and we promote behavioural changes by national osmosis 🙂

        Like

      1. Very familiar. People always encouraged me to push myself, but, I found nothing really helped till I took it at my pace and let myself be who I am. Still working on it in lots of ways.

        Like

  2. I never thought I’d find the man who’d understand me. I leapt on the wrong one in high school, married him straight out of graduation, and proceeded to waste eight years of my life trying to be someone I was not. ( though grateful for three kids from this relationship) When he abandoned me for his employee, I about gave up on life altogether. But, my kids needed me. Two of them were diagnosed autistic. The third had physical delays. So…soldiered on, figuring I’d be alone forever. Dated a few more wrong ones after a long while on my own…and then came a man who actually got me. He was unofficially on the spectrum. We married, had baby four, and, finally, finally between his observations and comparing my kids’ experience to mine, I realized I was autistic, too. We have our ups and downs in relating to each other, but, truly, he has been an incredible blessing. So…all that super long spiel to say, I know it’s tough, but don’t give up. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good for you! I love it when two people come together and work out their differences. I’ve noticed that spectrum/non-spectrum relationships struggle, but on spectrum/on spectrum relationships are happier. Not sure there’s a correlation, but it’s something I found interesting. I’m just afraid of making the wrong choice.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Definitely agree! I think there is something special in being understood. Very much relate to the fears. Been there. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Things have a way of coming together. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You just never know what will happen in the future. I’ve only been following you for a few days, but you seem very self aware. Perhaps where you feel you are lacking (reading people) you make up tenfold in knowing who you are and the affect you have on people. That sounds to me like an amazing skill many of us don’t have. I hope you find understanding and caring friends.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel sad for you. If people aren’t willing to give you a chance and understand when you don’t ‘normal’ then they’re not worth being around anyway. You say you’re going to college. At my college here in the UK, there is a Student Services office who help out those who require additional support. I wonder if they could put you in touch with other people with Asperger’s? I’m not saying you’re going to meet your penguin or anything but maybe you could just meet some people who understand what you’re going through because they are going through it too.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It sucks. People write me off as “rude” and “standoffish” without ever getting to know me, the real me. Granted, I don’t help them. I don’t talk much, so you won’t get to know me without already knowing me, and even then I surprise.

          I’ve never been part of any support group before, and since I hate talking about my feelings (unless it’s poetry or some verbal explosion), that probably wouldn’t work anyway.

          Thanks for the info though. I’ll certainly check out groups near me. 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Support groups sound intimidating to me too, and I’m an outgoing great people skills sort of person! Hopefully you’ll meet like minded people in a casual over a coffee sort of thing. Good luck. I love your writing 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          2. People have actually asked why I’m so shy, but I haven’t mustered up the courage to explain it. Funny thing on social media is that people use autism as an insult, and people my age think it’s funny.

            I’m glad you like my writing! Encourages me to keep doing it.

            Liked by 2 people

  4. Devereaux, first of all you are very brave and second you will find your penguin. You are so aware of who you are, what you want and need but most of all capable of, that’s half of the battle! I am a fan my friend. If you ever need an ear let me know 🙂 I love this and you~MOOOAH!

    Liked by 1 person

I'm interested in hearing what you have to say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s