This is a difficult topic for me to talk about, mainly because it’s arguably the biggest problem for Aspergians. I’ve lost so many friends, and turned away an unknown amount, simply because of my aspergian tendencies. The lack of eye contact, the rigidness and awkward appearance in social situations, the fidgeting/hand flapping/excessive motions, and the general shyness and unwillingness to pursue relationships. I’ve never had true, close friend.
And I’ll be in college soon.
It doesn’t matter who. Boys. Girls. Ugh, especially them. Nothing against the individuals I’ve attempted to befriend (they were all amazing and beautiful and I wish them much luck), but they simply demand so much that I will never be able to provide. Yes, I said never, and that seems stone cold, but it’s my reality. I don’t express emotion very well, and I don’t understand what other people are feeling when they’re being emotional. Often, I just stand there and say nothing, which might work sometimes, but in other situations people may want comfort or kind words, and I just don’t have it in me. Girls like to talk too, and I, well, I just don’t have it. It’s not that I don’t have anything to talk about, but I have to get their attention, and they have to want to talk to me, and I have to be open and in good mood. Very rarely (and I mean, RARELY) do all those factors come together at the same time on the same day. Before I learned I had Aspergers, I thought I’d like to get married, but since then I’ve changed my views. Find me a girl that could put up with endless moodiness from a shy dude (a social no-no) who struggles to find “normal” employment and provides little to no emotional support while preferring to be alone 95% of the time, and I’ll find you a penguin in Australia.
Okay, maybe she does exist, but I haven’t found her.
Besides, the only thing worse to me than trying to find a girl when I’ll clearly never be that kind of guy is getting stuck in a relationship that will never work and ends up hurting the girl more than anything. I hate to hurt people, and even though I say offhanded things that actually do (Aspergians speak their mind. We’re known to be brutally honest), intentionally hurting someone is not who I am. I’d rather be lonely than have someone and make their lives a living hell. I know what the ugly side of me looks like, and I couldn’t bear making someone else endure that just so I could feel better about myself.
I see other guys with girlfriends and I feel bad, honestly. It’s depressing, really. I don’t understand why, and I never have, but it’s something that makes me feel awful inside.
So, in light of my failures, I wrote these poems….
(On failing everyone’s expectations)
Is it fair that you
go here and there
and never take me with you?
Are you afraid of what I cant do?
(On being unable to reciprocate feelings of others)
I said I was ready
but I’m really not
I said I’d think about it
But I haven’t given it much thought
Every time your eyes rise
my heart thuds, and eyes drop
because I know something is here
but I was never taught
what to say
The love you have will never be bought
but seeing your love for me,
that vision, I have not
GOOD JOB. DEVEREAUX!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
PAIN OFTEN PRODUCES POEMS AND CREATIVE ACTS—WAYS TO WORK THEM OUT INTO SOMETHING WORTH REMEMBERING!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on .
LikeLike
A really insightful read, thank you for sharing it! If it means anything, I connect to this but from the side of your future penguin wherever they are (totally embracing this as a metaphor 🙂 ). While my partner’s family chose not to take a doctor’s observations any further as a kid, the behaviours and tendencies are indicative of being on the spectrum, albeit high-functioning. I feel for you when you describe the difficulty of getting to know you, when you clearly know yourself so well, because all the things you list as barriers are the very things I see and love in my partner (ok, and occasionally have a go at him for but ten years, I’m allowed that much): the lack of eye contact, expressing emotion, awkwardness in social settings, the fidgeting.
But I bet, and I can tell simply from reading this post, you feel things very deeply, and that’s an aspect about yourself to treasure. My partner has always been my polar opposite, and it took him a few years to let that side of him surface. I would always say (and still do) that I’m not a mind reader; even if it bores you, just tell me, and then it’s done. Essentially: you’ll be fine, and when that someone comes along, they’ll take the time to get to know you. The fact that you’re trying says everything it needs to 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment.
The penguin metaphor has been a big hit!
I can tell you this, as someone on the side of your partner, it’s not intentional, and while we may not express it, I’m sure you’ve noticed he loves you in his own way. I’ve read a lot about how aspie/normal relationships don’t work, so I’m hoping you two last.
You’d think I’d treasure the ability to feel things deeply, but I can’t. Not now, anyway. I feel things deeply and I kinda wallow in them because I get lost in the emotion.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Whether it makes another ten years or not, every relationship/friendship has its ups and downs. Some are easy to run, others require work. It’s just about finding what works for the both of you. Admittedly in the case of my partner, he’s a shadow of his former self – the boy I met at 16 wasn’t as open and communicative as he is now. Although maybe that’s what Scots do to the English – live here long enough, and we promote behavioural changes by national osmosis 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Martian Poet.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Creative Writing Reblogged.
LikeLike
Understandable. Took me a long while on that one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It goes hand and hand with the anxiety. I just can’t make myself do it. Some have mentioned I don’t have much confidence, and they’re right.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very familiar. People always encouraged me to push myself, but, I found nothing really helped till I took it at my pace and let myself be who I am. Still working on it in lots of ways.
LikeLike
It’s a slower process than people want it to be.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, exactly!
LikeLike
I never thought I’d find the man who’d understand me. I leapt on the wrong one in high school, married him straight out of graduation, and proceeded to waste eight years of my life trying to be someone I was not. ( though grateful for three kids from this relationship) When he abandoned me for his employee, I about gave up on life altogether. But, my kids needed me. Two of them were diagnosed autistic. The third had physical delays. So…soldiered on, figuring I’d be alone forever. Dated a few more wrong ones after a long while on my own…and then came a man who actually got me. He was unofficially on the spectrum. We married, had baby four, and, finally, finally between his observations and comparing my kids’ experience to mine, I realized I was autistic, too. We have our ups and downs in relating to each other, but, truly, he has been an incredible blessing. So…all that super long spiel to say, I know it’s tough, but don’t give up. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good for you! I love it when two people come together and work out their differences. I’ve noticed that spectrum/non-spectrum relationships struggle, but on spectrum/on spectrum relationships are happier. Not sure there’s a correlation, but it’s something I found interesting. I’m just afraid of making the wrong choice.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Definitely agree! I think there is something special in being understood. Very much relate to the fears. Been there. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Things have a way of coming together. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
True. I just have to trust myself to let it happen, which I don’t.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You just never know what will happen in the future. I’ve only been following you for a few days, but you seem very self aware. Perhaps where you feel you are lacking (reading people) you make up tenfold in knowing who you are and the affect you have on people. That sounds to me like an amazing skill many of us don’t have. I hope you find understanding and caring friends.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It means a lot.
But, that’s the thing. I know who I am, and yet I can’t make other people see that. It’s disappointing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel sad for you. If people aren’t willing to give you a chance and understand when you don’t ‘normal’ then they’re not worth being around anyway. You say you’re going to college. At my college here in the UK, there is a Student Services office who help out those who require additional support. I wonder if they could put you in touch with other people with Asperger’s? I’m not saying you’re going to meet your penguin or anything but maybe you could just meet some people who understand what you’re going through because they are going through it too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It sucks. People write me off as “rude” and “standoffish” without ever getting to know me, the real me. Granted, I don’t help them. I don’t talk much, so you won’t get to know me without already knowing me, and even then I surprise.
I’ve never been part of any support group before, and since I hate talking about my feelings (unless it’s poetry or some verbal explosion), that probably wouldn’t work anyway.
Thanks for the info though. I’ll certainly check out groups near me. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Support groups sound intimidating to me too, and I’m an outgoing great people skills sort of person! Hopefully you’ll meet like minded people in a casual over a coffee sort of thing. Good luck. I love your writing 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
People have actually asked why I’m so shy, but I haven’t mustered up the courage to explain it. Funny thing on social media is that people use autism as an insult, and people my age think it’s funny.
I’m glad you like my writing! Encourages me to keep doing it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Devereaux, first of all you are very brave and second you will find your penguin. You are so aware of who you are, what you want and need but most of all capable of, that’s half of the battle! I am a fan my friend. If you ever need an ear let me know 🙂 I love this and you~MOOOAH!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for reading! But more importantly, thank you for the support. This road doesn’t have a lot of faces (mainly because, unintentionally, I push people away), but I’m grateful for the ones that stay.
🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Of course! That’s what we do here!!!im grateful to have found you. I look forward to getting to know you😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad to have found you too. It’s not easy getting people to understand, but I’m grateful you do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I try at least😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
That reminded me of a particular Pink song
LikeLiked by 2 people
I love pink😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I only like that one song, but it’s pretty powerful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yep👌🏼
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know, Deveraux, there are quite a lot of little penguins in Australia. I say this to give you hope that you will find a girl who understands and loves you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much Rachel for reading and for the kind words 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people