An Aspergian’s Thoughts On A Neurotypical World

 

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This is a collection of poems I’ve written over the last month, regarding my life (and struggles) with Aspergers. Recently, I’ve been feeling…

Lost.

Depressed.

I went back and read these poems and I realized that my sadness was simply my aspergian self realizing the truth that we will never outgrow: as much as we try, or are forced, to be something or someone that we aren’t, the whole façade comes crashing down around on us. It’s a tempting way to live, if you can believe it. Contrary to what many may say, the truth about us is that we want friends, we want relationships, and we want to be active members of society. I’ve gone through many “friendships”, just to lose them and try again (in vain). Are we stupid? No. Are we blind? Not in the physical sense, anyway. Rather, the problems come when the outside world doesn’t accept us because of our dramatic differences. We want many of the things “normal people” want, without possessing the abilities they have to communicate, reciprocate emotions and feelings, and understanding nonverbal cues. This leads to failure and rejection,  and it can make us feel this life isn’t worth living. I felt that while for a while. It’s a deep, dark place I don’t want to go ever again, yet I’m brought to the precipice every time I miss a nod, or don’t respond immediately to a “hello” or “good bye”, or every time I lose a friend. These poems are small flashbacks to memories, tiny parts of a complex life, yet critical in making the whole of me.


(Regarding people who are afraid of Aspie’s and other people with autism)

You fear what you hate

and you hate to fear

because it makes you seem weak

because it makes you

human

(On losing a friend)

Watching you walk

into the fiery sunset

I try to hold back

but my cheeks are wet

I know you’ll never come back

but I know you

I love you

(On being betrayed by those who tried to use me)

Keep burning me

Keep  burning me

Turn up the heat a little more

and maybe I’ll spit the hot grease

back at you

(On daily Aspergian life)

Our suffering is internal

yet our march goes on

Our suffering is eternal

for our march goes on

Who hears a silent cry?

Who knows a dream?

(On life goals)

From a quiet and reclusive

nobody

To a quiet and reclusive

nobody

who knows why he thought

a lie

for so long

A football player to historian

to broadcaster

Who knew so little about himself

that he thought these dreams were real

You’ll never make it

nobody

You’re too quiet

nobody

You don’t talk enough

nobody

Go find you own way

nobody

So I did, I found my way

took me 15 years

of wash, rinse, repeat of

failing all the standards I

couldn’t meet

Now I’m a writer

award-winning

published

incessantly poetically

tweeting

poet

My life is one

of transition

But sadly

for those ahead of me

I’m not done

Where I am

is not where I’ve been

and where I’m going

is neither

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “An Aspergian’s Thoughts On A Neurotypical World”

  1. I loved this. Your poetry is very much wiser than your years and wonderful to my ears. You have the vulnerability in words that so many of us can’t express or are scared to express. Yay, you! I hope you always continue to share your words, mind, and heart. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re a gifted writer. Never give up. I know it’s hard sometimes. I’ve not been diagnosed, but am 99.99% sure I have Asperger’s. It can be an overwhelming challenge just to live, but it’s worth the effort.

    Liked by 1 person

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