She Will

She will be loved

From the inside of these rotting bars

The smile you seek resides

Deep within my aorta

She will be adored

Behind the precautionary stares

The gentile you long for resides

Underneath the plain countenance ignored

I write about her, underneath no guise

No pen name, just nameless admiration

And friendship I never thought I could have

Overlooked for so long, I finally have a place

And it’s so beautiful

And so she will forever be

Before I knew her, she was

And long after, she will remain

If I was to walk my life with her

I would call myself more lucky than any ever

But if she were to choose another

I would be more lucky than any ever

It’s not just her body or smile that delights

But the fact she chose me even once

To be included in her atmosphere

Is cause for celebration endless

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Needles and The Need For You

Last weekend, I put out a call for writing collaborations to pass the time during what’s been a fairly wet and somewhat dreary time of year. I haven’t done too many collabs (although that’s something I really wanted to change). Fortunately, I know a few good writers not only here but through my Instagram page. One of my favorites, Emily Hayes (who goes by E.R. Hayes on her insta), was eager to join forces. We wound up writing three distinct pieces, and I was thrilled to write and discuss words feedback. Her bio is short but poignant, as she states I’m just a 17 year old trying to make a positive impact on the world through my writing. I always applaud fellow young writers who want to leave their mark through words, especially when they’re as talented as Emily. You can find more of her fantastic words here Emily Hayes. This piece is the third of a three part series. You can read the first here, Death Plays a Quivering Chord

(Emily)

Bundles of needles protrude from my skull

In deep incisions

My left arm is crimson, my self worth

Is missing, the IV is dripping

The doctors won’t listen and you’ve never

Listened, so nothing is different

Well, some things are different like

The migraine that lingers

But I’m sure you’ll say I made it up

Because you never figure

I’ll never have the confidence to pull the

Trigger

But what if I do? What if I do?

What would you do if I added a bullet to

The group of throbbing needles?

What would you feel? What would you

Feel?

Would you care if my porcelain skin lay in

Pieces?

I don’t think you’d care, since you’ve never

Cared

But I know I care and since I care, instead

Of dying I’ll lie in despair

(Me)

Surprise, surprise I never do die

I’m lying in between heaven and hell

I just fall away from the antisocial social media

I deprive myself of the Facebook and Twitter

And do an about face regarding words I say

My left arm is tied to my outside, my self worth gone awry

Fulfilled by everyone else’s wishes, not mine

My right arm is tied to my inside, conscience

Smiling goodbye

Rejected by everyone else’s wishes, not mine

But what if I did, for a moment

Follow my own ambitions, what would change

What if I decided to let the others fall away

Like the blood from the IV I’ve cut loose

I grip the edge of the bed and stare out

Into the empty hallway, no longer in doubt

Their screams to lie back down fall down

Around my bare feet gripping wet tiles

I can finally see what I have to do

And it entails all of me, and none of you

I know you don’t care now that I’m free

Wanting to be a slave to you and me

I know If I live I will surely die

But if I die I will finally let the other live

The other me

Connectivity

The nature of my connection to her

Twists as branches, rooting me deep

In skepticism and optimism tall like grass

I traverse the plains of her words

Climbing the traverse of what she says

And what’s really meant in what she does not

Sometimes I push too much, and like a child

Burrows deeper in self defense

Other times I ask too little, and I leave her

Waiting in earnest for what will never come

I am a storm that promises showers for hours

But instead brings humidity and annoyance

Then finally three drops of rain

I’m forever changing, forever adapting

But I forget that if we don’t modify together

We can never be singular in purpose

So I close over

A dying rose in the palm of your hand

I am beauty and fragility in effervescent song

Sung for a million years in the tunes

Of stars who went out a long time ago

Saying Too Much

My heart is a ticking time bomb

Destined to go off at when you’re closest

I never meant for it to end this way

When I first met you, I felt neither guilt

Or shame in expressing who I was

There was a fathomable expression

Of joy within me at the idea of being free

And in being allowed to roam your mind

I could piece together the missing dimensions

Of my own

Who knew I was so broken, yet together

Who knew I was so alone, yet close

The people I never expected to let me in

The people I wished to be let in by

It doesn’t matter anymore

Your honor, I’ve said too much

But I never meant to kill her

Only find the letter of my love

And mail it back to God

Don’t ever send me any more potential

Friends, lovers, whatever

It’s not that I don’t want them, I do

I don’t know what to do when I get them

I’ve been so hardened by being alone

Being around is difficult and tedious

So put the chains on me, I’ve lived that way

All my life

Sentence me to continent, they told me

I’d be better off that way

It seems like everyone knows what they need

But none of what I

Need for myself

If You Like

I shouldn’t let the dark

Cloud my thoughts of you

I shouldn’t let the clouds

Dampen my feelings for you

I shouldn’t let my insecurities

Storm the security and trust we’ve built

I shouldn’t let my nothing

Supersede your everything

See these ladders, see these walls

I’m climbing higher and higher

Above the adders, the guillotines

But it’s not enough for me

I’d rather you come with me, if you’d like

I’d rather you stay with me, if you can

Because I can’t keep you here

But I can hope you will

It would be a thrill

Sinister deviations finally needed not

The wrought of frugality is laid beside

And a new morning is ushered in

To Be Real

I don’t deserve you

No I don’t, not an ounce

Not a fraction of a minuscule breath of yours

Could ever be worth my nostrils

You say you’re a good person, and I know

It’s true

But I never say I’m a good person, because I

Know it’s true

And if you are, then turn around, shut the door

Shut the door and run far, far away

Because as long as I’m around you I bleed

As long as I feel you, I bleed

Not from scars or sacrifice

But from the fact that my soul burns

At finally having someone like you

I honestly can’t believe that it happened

How did it happen, could it happen again

Would I ever recover if I was made to redo it

So I let our connection grow, in time

I know we’ll become closer to touching

Not bodies, but souls

We are closer already than you know

At least, I am

At least, I feel free when I’m with you

At least, I feel sane when I’m by you

At least, I feel home

Again and again, I’ve travelled

But finally I can rest knowing

That somewhere, I can find you

At least, for now

At least, right now

At least, until you move on

At least, until someone else finds you

Again and again, I’ve been left for others

Here I am thinking, finally, somebody stays

Somewhere I can reach them

But there’s only emotion connecting us

Is that enough

Only words connecting us

I think that’s enough

Am I scared, am I worried

That someone better will seek you out

And take you as their own

Or am I desperate to piece myself together

Stitched from your veins

Woven from your arteries

Around the heartstrings of my own

Crafting a meta-human, fictitious

And unloving

Yet beating, breathing, and yearning

To be real

And to love

You Keep Me

Warmer than my heart ever wanted to be

Cooler than I thought the words should be

Further along than I needed you to

Closer than I was ready for

Sensual enough to keep me praying

Distant enough to keep me wondering

Why do I even like you

We never see each other

Some days the state line feels galaxies away

So close, so unbearably far

Why do I stall when it comes to telling you

Why am I afraid of what you might say

And instead give you nothing to respond to

I know you better

Than I ever thought I wanted to

And you know more about me

Than myself sometimes

I feel I just met you yesterday

Even though it was yesterday’s ago

I feel like I just me yesterday

Even though that never even happened

You make me smile in a way nobody can

You make me sad in a way nobody should

You make me hope in ways I always dreamed

You make me last

Just a little bit longer

You keep me intact

Just a little bit longer

You keep

Me

Nameless

There’s not a name I could give you

That would do anything justice

The gravity of what’s come to pass needs

A remembrance equal to its magnitude

Stallion riding roughshod over carcass

Remote but easily pained and pressured

Not into decisions, but indecision

The more I see, the more I waver, the more

I stand still, oppressed by ignorance

And confidence suppressed by memory

Refusing to come out and greet the day

I could call you today, but that would be

Disgraceful to all of today, which is unfinished

I could call you tomorrow

But that would assume the absence

Of all good

Instead, I’ll call you never and ever

There only when it occurs

Everywhere it occurs

What I Find In The Light

Never mind the light, I only need the dark

The truth is truth, regardless of the beholder

The lie is a lie, regardless of the beholder

Vibrating throughout my skeleton is chaos

Ordered and exponential in designed purpose

Humanity seems to think eradicating one

Will enlighten the other, but in truth

One exists because of the order

In chaos there is order because it is planned

Order can be chaotic without understanding

And interference only widens the chasm

The light blinds, but the dark constricts

Till only the purest of elements remain

And those are the things I want inside me

In the light everything and everyone exists

But in the dark only the true reign on high

They’ve taught us the dark is evil

And yet it’s in the light that children are taken

Criminals are made out to be defenseless

And plastic chokes the life of the sea

I am not just a writer

But a living writer

A reading writer

And I’ve scoured the faces of angels upon us

They

Are not happy

Loving Back

Breaking in the chasm between your breath

Exhale

Only to be swallowed by oneself

Woe is the newcomer to lonely solitude

Only adored by oneself, kissed by oneself

Letting go and never does a hand reach out

Falling into old fashioned drunkenness

Kill me, kill me, if you cannot see me

Bury me, bury me, if you cannot free me

What is life in the mirage, what is the shadow

What is blood if the veins are encased in skin

Trapped in an organism chained in the shallow

What is beauty forever enslaved to eyes

Who glare but a moment through a glass

And forgotten evermore

I see not love in the lust for freedom

In doing so become slave to impossible

But in lust for love you will find it

Only be sure that you are ready

To be loved back