Speechless

Sun shining but my eyes a little gray. Headed to work, 30 degrees will work, I’m just hoping for a peaceful day. I try to focus, and clear my head. But all I can think about is someone who left. Someone I thought was right by my side, turned out to be another failure of mine. Failure to see the truth right in front of me. Failure to see that she never wanted me. Failure to fall back to reality. Now the earth hurts and I count the scars on me. The awkward holes inside of me that don’t grow or shrink. They remain. Remind. Of how large I felt. Then how small I shrunk. When your best laid plans come undone. And you watch them sail off underneath what should’ve been your setting sun. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for what you’ve done. Then again. I don’t think they even care.

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Broken Promises, Part Two

What is our legacy? Depressed and intoxicated? Teens that the world never consulted, instead taken for granted. We were too young to be scarred, not old enough to have enough to write about, to be sad about. Our lives were pageants compared to the days of old. We have nothing to worry about. Then why do I see so many broken places and crumbling faces? Why do I see families walking tightropes on subpar paychecks? Why do I see the youth being shot down, in conversation and on the streets? Seems to me we don’t have it so good. These kids really aren’t alright. The outlandish is a cry for help. The car crashed hearts need to be held. And the suicide notes? Somebody fucking respond to them please. How many of these kids gotta die, or take out a dozen with them, before we ask what’s wrong?

Reflections On Broken Promises, Part One

Nights aren’t any longer, but they are harder. Every time I come home and quiet my heart, I can hear every word that I thought I deflected. Every inch I thought I gained, I watch it coil back underneath the veil of watchful eyes. My past slithers into caverns unbeknownst. The memories flicker and flash through my mind. The things I’ve said, the pain I didn’t. So gross. Yet, it is mine. My own. My precious mistakes that only I can fathom. Please don’t leave me. This monster wants to drag me into the deep.

Life More Abundant

Your face is a canvas

Your hands are the tools

In which I write pain

And right wrongs

Upon a spine, so stiff

From weathering the storm

Of every man and boy

Who tried conquering

Your guilt

The tears I mix

With my blood, that never

Seems to run out

The strokes are vicious

Oddly timed, and even weird

Nobody likes my streaks

They just don’t seem

To align with the rest

Of all the people I’ve chased

You seem to want to be

And so I mesh harder, faster

My incoherent thoughts

With your considerable thighs

Until I have a portrait

Of a girl, bruised and broken

Cloaked in a shield

Of her own misgiving

I do not want to be

Your knight in shining armor

I do not want to save you

Rather, tell you

That you do not need

To be saved by anyone

Other than the light within

I paint

The portrait of a champion

A warrior, armed with poise

Beauty

And eyes for life

Life more abundant

Who I Already Am

I used to believe in structure

Strict adherence to what you can

And can’t

Revolutions are bloody, so why cry out

The normal is accepted, directed

And the box is there for a reason

But fuck a silver lining

Because I realized that life is only lived

When misconceptions finally die

And inhibitions go the way

Of horse-drawn carriage

I’ve said goodbye to all the times

They said I couldn’t, because I shouldn’t

Trying to become the greatest?

That’s for the rich

Trying to become the best?

That’s for the white

I am already rich, not in money

But in a heart that never wants to stop

And a soul that is always hoping

For a new day

Another opportunity

To show the world

Just how wrong they are

Observations

I’m not a writer

Simply an observer

Attuned to the outside world

That beats

And the inside world

That burns

In the short span

that has been nineteen years

I’ve seen the heights of compassion

friendship

and in some degrees, love

In the same way, I’ve seen brutality

Ignorance

And pain

In some degrees, some days

Outweighing the good in my life

But never enough to think

It would be gone forever

I’m not a writer, but a believer

That the things I think and feel

Have meaning, have purpose

And this life is even worth living

Without doubt, without pain

I cannot grow, or even know

That I am capable of metamorphosis

So many would rather be stagnant

but accepted

I would rather be neglected

And on the hourly, resurrected

In no way do I wish to die

Only that my fears and inhibitions

Do not prevent me

From living

Long Distance Friends 😞

Long distance friendship

Leaves us missing

Not words, but breath

Giving us not heartbeats, but heartache

Because woven in the distance between

Are the failures of all our dreams

When the storms begin to form

And the rains try to wash away

All the love we have for each other

Sometimes it seems we’re not meant to be

And all of these feelings are just that

Something that passes, and is passed

From one unsuspecting soul to another

Yet somehow, some way

Even when the night changes

It never changes us

Only brings us closer

In hopes of a nearer tomorrow

So Little Hope

The sun shines brighter

But I never want to get up

There’s no room for me

Not in this propped up, tricked out

Plastic kind of of the world

Where everybody tries to be better

Than the person on the outside

Rather than improving the one

On the inside

This world, where blood

Flows faster than the seas

Bodies

Rise higher than any mountain ridge

And babies

Reduced to piles of organs and waste

This is not my world, not my world today

Unfortunately, this is the world of yesterday tomorrow

Forever?

Maybe

People seem to be happy watching

One person die, and claim it within right

Yet another, and claim certain brutality

Good on you, humanity

For deciding who is more worthy of life

Maybe that’s why

We have so little of both

To Tell My Truth

Eviscerated emotions

Left to pick up fragments

Of reality no longer fabricated

But deflated

Who are we anymore, who were we

Is more valid than ever

But hardly left up to vote

Since we don’t fight fair

Instead trading barbs over the inter web

Instead of telling how each of us

Really feels

Deep Down

I’m not best friend

Or any friend

But I am something better

An observer

Without being caught up in your mistakes

I see what not to make

Of failure and rejection

That growth comes with fateful misdirections

Life’s a jet sweep

And I’m a helpless defender on the edge

Trying to play all my responsibilities

But knowing deep down, I’m a failure

In every one

Don’t put the doctor on the phone

I’ll never make any sense

I’m just spewing my heart, pain contained

So long that it’s just coming out of every hole

Every tiny crack I never thought was there

I’m not as strong as I think myself to be

But I’m not as weak as I used to be

Sometimes life is about finding a middle ground

I know it sounds lowly, but every seed

Starts underneath of us

Before it becomes a giver of life

To all of us