Acceptable To You?

I feel terrible

Not because of what I do

But in what I don’t

The actions that fall from memory

Become lasting sketches of misguided

Trust ebbs and flows within

I feel fear in disappointment

So nothing becomes something

Mindless rummaging trough the past

Everlasting damage

The soul is unconsolable

Underneath the barrage of darkness

The siege lasts into the weekend

And putting my head under the waters

Only tantalized their fantasies more

The vision is clearer, deeper

Hardly comforting, unfortunately

Unless finding new ways to die

New experiences of torture

Becoming a strange shape

From tries at fitting in

Are acceptable to you

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The Final Solution

Mistakes

We make them all the time

Some come back to the same ones

Others can’t get it if their way

You wonder why

People make so many

When there are so many other choices

The reality is outsiders operate

Under hindsight

Well, this happened, so it must’ve been bad

We don’t know how things will turn out

Time is a ticking bomb

That just might not go off

Life is a young bird

Attempting to fly out of the nest

Too late, and it’s dead

Too early, and it’s dead

The middle ground is exponentially profound

And terribly hard to find

We’re all looking for the end game

But what sometimes we get in our own way

And the only way to win

Is to end yourself

Fitting In

Fit right in

Outside the depth

The darkness of humanity

Ignore the calamity, here’s a football game

Check out this nice pass

Demi Mawby’s nice rack

Here’s some slips of useless green paper

We call it cash

But long time ago it was backed by gold

Now it’s backed by nothing

Worthless, yet we deceive for it

Kill for it

It’s amazing what we do

So much for so little, we think ourselves value

But we’re nothing but meager dribbles

In the buckets the cosmos rain down

Sit right here

Class is in session

Humans have advanced to the point

Where we’ve regressed

America’s in a recession

Not because of Trump

Or the “supremacy” of white men

But because we forgot our values

We forgot what makes life worth living

Freedom, not because of a flag

But because of a God

Because of the essence of soul within

Given not by presidents nor parents

But the universe itself

Before you go

Remember not just who you live for

But why you live for them

Reluctance

Specks of dust

Cloud the perimeter

Sweeping the chaos to a corner

The negligent, the sinister

Standing behind my own bars

Like a hardened criminal

I try to stay positive

but the blood stays cynical

Symbiotic with my need to destroy

Is the molting of a teenage boy

Into half man, half beast

Trudging on for a feast not of food

Or hard drink

But love

The kind that makes you think

Why we ever stopped caring for each other

And when

Did social media ever become socially accepted

When did pressing a button

Ever mean the same as a literal kiss

I would be remiss if I said this was good

And though I have seemed to miss

The want from a girl

I am still a patient observer, my time will come

The best chase is that of a mind chastened

My demons run, angels flee to protect

And in time the negatives will be undone

Lofty are my dreams

Descending from a rejected heart

Because I know there is more to give

Than a half-reluctant spark

Collapse

Come back

To the moment where we realized

That what we were doing would never suffice

Alone

Conquerable

Separated

Devised against with ease

Somehow that was okay, being taken

And the token of our closeness

Was their ticket to a one-way trip to hell

You in their back pocket, me in the rear view

I won’t think of letting you go

Unable to blame you for being a rebel

That’s just who you are

Sometimes it takes you too far

And it stretches me to bring you back

You’re not mine, but you make me laugh

It’s not my time, yet I feel I’d collapse

If we never crossed paths again

Forget Me If You Dare

Sleep on me

And forget I’m around

I never meant much to you

And I shouldn’t now

But times are changing

And the days are glaring

You need the cool

That I happen to be maintaining

The end could be now, tomorrow

Or never

But until you look away from the horizon

You’ll never know

We want to see death coming

But it’s far better to be silent

And let it wash over

Then drown in it

And burn on the way down

Pathways

Elongated

Personifications

Of honesty

And goodness

Permeating the vessels of self

Corruption can only follow suit

When reflection is not considered

The warnings ignored by the rushers

To simply do

To simply be

The mountains are descended upon

With little thought or prayer

Blind ambition in a cyclical rendition

Of man attempting to be god

Peace is partitioned for the few

War is forced upon the many

We’ve become slaves to the system

And we’re too lost to know

We were even on the right path

Life Update: Shit

I haven’t written a post like this in a while. Mostly because I’ve spent my time working, in school, and just plain ignoring it. I felt like I had made steps in really overcoming my limitations. Being on the autism spectrum has never been an excuse for me, and it won’t become one, but lately people have been bringing it to my attention that I’m not right.

No shit, Sherlock.

I spent my childhood hiding. From my Dad. From my neighborhood. From my family. From myself. Afraid of who I was. I was angry. I was violent. I was rude. I was silent. I killed before I even spoke. My mind was always bent on bending. As I’ve grown up, I realized everybody else had outgrown me. I’m almost 19, but I feel I could be 15. Or younger. So much for becoming an adult. I felt like if I just wrote a shit ton of poetry and buried myself in words I could escape my gravity. I was wrong.

Relationships haven’t been harder or easier to find and develop, but I’m noticing that I still struggle. Stutter. Repeat phrases. Find myself lost in a sea of glares and expectations. You should know what you’re doing. How come you don’t remember that. It’s dreadful. People expect me to be one thing, when reality I’m just not capable. At least not yet. Or not in my current state.

I’ve spent so much hiding from myself that I’ve lost sense of myself too. Making mistakes I usually wouldn’t. Eating and drinking the things I wouldn’t otherwise. Watching. I feel so desperate to rediscover that I’m digging a deeper hole. One even writing cant pull me out of. Or maybe it is and that’s why this post is coming together. I dunno. I talk to myself a lot. Some people ignore the inner voice within, and I try not to. But having the self confidence in doing so in spite of others is no easy feat.

It feels good to get this out.

Sigh.

Until next time.