Autistic Trips Vol.2

I can peel back layers all damn day long

My social insecurities I still carry

Weights forever stowed away in my mind

I can’t function like you, I don’t bother to try

I found a place between sadness and the lie

The vodka burns, but at least it’s quiet

Her lips feel like forever in rain soaked silence

God I love her, because she’s so damn lovely

And part of the equation that I can’t finish

Or the world has yet to answer?

Where does my autism fit in my workplace

Is it fair that I try to love her through a cage?

Reveal parts of me so she can make a whole

Though I’m scared that she’ll hate the monster

The uncut version of my life, my nightmares

What you’re used to seeing is not even me

It’s the split part of me that I adapted

Because the world could tolerate it

There’s so many of myself, I fight my reflection

Some of us come out unscathed, a few though

Don’t see the light of tomorrow

My voice comes out flat, eyes wandering

I can’t watch you work the room

Because I hardly notice you in it

My autistic self died with a knife in the back

It was never going to lead to victory

Or would it? Was I too afraid of being alone

So I murdered what made me different

Now, not only do I not have any friends

I don’t have a home

Autistic Trips Vol.1

Since my job closed and Baltimore has shut down more and more businesses and functions since the rise of the COVID-19 virus, home life for me has been very slow, very quiet. Despite the sadness, confusion, and uncertainty in these troubled times, it has offered me much room for reflection and introspection. One thing that I’ve often ignored in recent years, despite the obvious awareness of its symptoms and effects on me, is my Aspergers. I’ve recently noticed some struggles that I thought I’d overcome have returned, and I realized that maybe I’d ignored my condition too long. I’ve used quite a bit of ink in recent days going back and re-living some of these issues, in the hopes that maybe I’ll dig up some newfound knowledge and maybe even kindle a new hope in turning another corner in my life.

let’s take a trip down memory lane

back before the jobs, before Brianna

before the drunken ramblings, there was pain

in the middle of endless rain, I had no Rihanna

there was no umbrella, just an avalanche

confusing signs and not enough self-love

I didn’t know if I was watching life go by

or if it was watching, waiting for me to die

I couldn’t blame it, such a tragic sickness

I was, so guilty and witless

Blaming myself for this endless perdition

There’s bad omens, and then there’s me

And in every single thing I could ever do

My sadness drained it of any life or luster

and there wasn’t a day where mustering

the slightest gasp of energy didn’t end

in a wish to perish, to cease, to be anything

but alive

Nobody’s Choice But Mine

I’m not anyone’s first choice

I’m not anyone’s favorite

They can tell me how much I matter

But in the end, there’s always someone better

I can send money, heartfelt messages

Rent vehicles and see you in different states

But there’s someone who matters more

I’m the fool who’s standing in a closed door

Today feels so cold, feelings don’t die

I’m just dead eyes to the passersby

Sickly sadness amputates any reason

Words say love but are trademark treason

Nothing more than a phase, a one night stand

Gave my heart and got the veins handed back

Caught in a bout of serious reflection

Does my life need a finite correction

The blade is easy, and the stripes are bright

Please let me go into the light

Stopping, And You

godammit

I’m supposed to be sleeping

but it’s 3am, and I’m lying in bed

staring at your pictures

the next moment, the next memory

stalled over my head like a bad storm

and my clothes you’ve worn, my heart

you’ve pulled at till I was sure it was torn

but I just keep coming back

godammit

you said being with you would be rough

history has your back, today loves to laugh

until it sees me with you tomorrow

then everyone shuts up, cause I lead

my mind matters, and the soul that gathers

every weapon needed to survive the day

and godammit, you need a shield too

because someone’s always saying

you’re ugly, not worthy of having

then is anyone?

godammit

the sun’s up now, I’ve gotta go to work

but that doesn’t mean

I stopped thinking of you

Maniac Musings

liquid rubber running down my throat

it stung a little but felt like home

secluded silence right before my eyes

buying me a little more time

I just didn’t want to leave at all

I trip, stumble, and fall

But I love to get back up and run again

Constantly chasing lost time and friends

Bad memories, good drinks, hand in hand

Someone’s lips take me to the promised land

I’m a living, I’m a dying soul

So high, so low, where’s the nearest hole?

She told me never leave her, but we both know

We’re weak, we’re young, the worlds too slow

Sometimes we hate, other times we fuck

We’ve got deep hearts, we love too much!

And we got hurt! Broken by the system

The people who told us, their vision off

Took our dreams, tossed them, lost them

But I found the keys, these words, now I win

I don’t have any trophies, no banners

No ribbons, plaques, or any manners

Shove my way onto the stage, I compete

I want my freedom, I’ll go take my dreams

How many people pray for a new life

And wait for someone to give them the right

I was born with the strength and goal

They started the fight, but I will end the war

Quarantined Everything But My Soul

I had a dream about you last night.

Ride me and whisper all night long. Bite my lip and tell me you’re my only sacrifice. Shudder, even cry. But don’t ever stop. Ima poet. What you see is what they get. But what I don’t say, I hide away to be deposited in the kisses on your cheeks. My hands follow every tingle in your breasts, steering you towards the light at the end of a tunnel. Your mouth is a pit, I don’t want to leave.

Je Ne Sais Quoi

the mist parted around us

a light rain laid the soundtrack

but our hearts just couldn’t keep beat

leaping, our skin was a prison

we had to take it off

our clothes were a despotic government

that we had to escape

what came after

je ne sais quoi

the conditions were hardly ideal

yet I was positive that these feelings

must be acted upon

we, my sunshine, are real

I remember every harsh word

every angry sigh and turning away

the tears, you’re such an ugly crier

but I love every single inch of your mind

and how it manifests in your body

you mean the world to me, you are my world

and I’ll love you

until time itself gives up

waiting for me to forget you

Bleached

I’m full of light and loneliness

Words and worries

Good intentions and concerning dreams

Sex, alcohol, money, and lies inside

Angel and devil is him and I

Walk a mile in my shoes, and you feel shame

The time I stole, the times I lied, even now

I hide behind poems and hope you’ll forgive

I abused myself as a kid, and when I turned

The teen wanted to kill himself

I drank bleach, I let the flame on too long

The monotonous drone of my song grew on

But each attempt failed, driving me deeper

I wasn’t a risk or a post-hype sleeper

Devereaux was the biggest bust imaginable

I’ve tried to fill the void with people and sleep

Sleeping with people and sleeping on others

Her kisses sucked the sin right out

Shoved back when she found someone new

Love is my poison and my penance

Growing older but my hands feel colder

Each day I feel lonelier and silence

Is the only thing that kisses me awake

They’re speaking, but in my head

I feel like I’m drinking bleach all over again

It might be a shock to some, but my path

Hardly feels done, yet I worry I’m finished

I walk the dark alleys, looking for the words

The poems are wrath and a refuge

Of a kid still holding to the senseless

Trails Of Blue

pale blue skies carry memories

deep seeded, just like the rain washing away

every single tear, can you tell the difference?

she’s behind every one

when I took her behind my head, my world

where the waters green and the sky is red

it was so cold by the waters, but we walked

to the end of the pier and promised

to keep these feelings, the power of love

mountains couldn’t keep us apart, and never

will be too far apart, so when we break down

our spirits tingle and wake us up

nobody talks about the empty walks

how a million calls don’t do your voice justice

it feels so sick to be at your fingertips

and yet forget what it’s like to hold them

who can decipher the struggle of singing

and heard by no one? recorded by no one?

but she can hear me, can’t she

that’s why I keep running

every streak in the sky is a highway

and I’ll run towards you

gravity keeps pulling me down, but

you’re worth every scar and scattered bone

Winds In My Head

there’s a wind in my head

but no air

no oxygen, no one begging for my love

there’s no sights or sounds

but there’s a wind, and it blows

with unrelenting intensity and desire

as if, maybe, it wants to be let out

or can it mean something wants in?

desperate times call for desperate measures

I stand on the ledge, with the wind in my head

wishing that if I push myself close enough

something will answer my dying call

the wind in my head blows through reason

logic, and loyalty

begging me to choose the stories I hate

I think my sadness wants to stay forever

if I could ever eviscerate this dread

unspeakable happiness could be mine

unfortunately, my eyes and soul aren’t aligned

so I continue to battle the wind in my head