Desperation Underneath The Ink Of Humility

a_northern_light_cover

As the wind blows

ripping fast across my back

I think of light, near and far

and a call to come home

It’s nearly eight

not too late

but I feel the urge to write

and call to come home

I’m here, alone

like you normally find me

If you kept a calendar, you’d always know

that I’ve always wanted to go home

As the twinkling dots amass in size

I close my eyes

and forget the time

that I wanted to go home

The fading, in and out

keeps me locked in wonder of their whereabouts

and I forget I wanted to go home

Lost in a forest

of thick brush

and emotional peaks and pits

Troubled thoughts

from suffering from your pyramid scheme

I’m dizzy

please tell me this is a dream

Freezing water

laps behind me

and as the wind grows fiercer

I tighten my jacket around me

I do a lot of weird stuff

but I had to come here

at this day, at this time

to let you know

that I’m coming home

 

Nighttime Wishes And Boardwalk Kisses

 

wamtac

As the moon shimmers

on the bay

Love me underneath the neon lights

take me away

To the depths of the sea, or the ripples

touching the shore

as the waters lap against the boardwalk

I know I love you more

than the arms of the ocean

wrapped around the globe three times

Day or night

rain or shine

Please, I’m only asking once: Be Mine

If I had one wish

to last me through a hundred nights

then my wish

is to make it with you

Skin and bones

show a soul wanting to grow slow

but my drifting reflection

shows what you and I know

Venus, in all her evening glory

doesn’t compare to what we are, so boldly

going where we’ve never gone before

It’s taking me higher and higher

to what used to seem impossible

I wish, I wish

upon a star

I wish that whether we be bear or far

Our love may never die

just as the stars we love sing the praises

of the infinity on high

 

Just Because It Was Bad Doesn’t Mean It Wasn’t Beneficial

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zerozero

 

Old songs

traverse paths so long

Long ago, seeming to be the best way

they robbed you blind

stabbed you in the heart

drank the blood

and took everything but your life away

You gotta live with more

than battle wounds

and traces of war paint

You have to live

with real wounds, too deep to relay

real holes in this breakable skin

Maybe the rape was a punishment for your sin

or maybe that’s what the therapist wanted you to believe

Stupid white jacket and fancy car

she’ll go home, pretty and happy

and plenty of money in her ceramic jar

It’s easy to show the way

from a castle on a mound

but harder when you actually live the life

and everyday is spent retreating from the battleground

Life kicks your ass

nine times out of ten

then sends out scouts

just in case you didn’t get the lesson

“Oh, you’re doing fine, just keep believing!”

Easy for you to say, it’s not your arm that’s under this knife

bleeding

People are hilarious, just comical

thinking a pill, or a diet, or exercise

will cure the ill

“People with aspergers just need more practice around people”

The fuck?

Did your clearly non-existent brain get run over

by a twenty-two ton freight truck?

You can’t practice

late night shivers or midday fears

of a birthday party

or get-together

that’s unfortunately so near

You can’t prepare

for anxiety

despite speaking politely

and wearing nice clothes

they make fun of you

because “playing the game”, you just don’t know

People who seem to have all the answers

are the furthest from the problem

and when shit hits the fan

mysteriously, you can never call them

They don’t have the balls

to live in the midst of raging, internal fear

They don’t have the guts

to swallow anxiety, and play nicely

day after day, for seventeen years

I’ve left people behind

Not because of hate, but I just don’t have the kind

of mind to hide my weakness

Be the Charming

to your Cinderella?

You’d find my social graces alarming

and in a crowd, I’m speechless

Folie et deux

you, my heart and you, my head

Every step

I dread

 

Hideous Hallucinations Of A Daytime Nightmare, Part Two

wamtac

Just like I promised last night!

 

The sound above my head

brings dread

Suspicion of condemnation

to perdition

Louder as it draws near

sending the people into fear

Cannot be contained

Raw power untamed

Darkness broken by the light

This is The Bloody Night

The child born on the sixth

the first and last of every witch

The stakes are high

and will never dry

Let the flesh burn

and let out heads turn

To the sky

where we him go by

He sees our pyre

and our hearts he will admire

Even offer ourselves

and in his dragon we will dwell

 

 

 

Hideous Hallucinations From A Daytime Nightmare, Part One

wamtac

Gather in a circle

See your reflection in the blade

Take  sip of the purple

drink, then feel yourself blade

Each voice an octave higher

Hands, reach for matches

Setting the crying voices on fire

The first of many batches

Singing brings power

In crows, in ravens

They fly high at the darkest hour

Their undying words engraven

Ground painted in fetal blood

A sacrifice to the holy one

See the pale corpses thud

His work cannot undone

He departs in a wheel

He sets out for the eye

On this night we purge the evil

As the sun draws nigh

 

 

Check back tomorrow evening for Part Two! And if you have Facebook, leave your username in the comments so I can “friend” you 🙂

 

 

 

 

Love, Sway This Aspergian Mind (The Hole Is The Likelyhood Of It Happening)

md2

First off, I joined Facebook. You can find me under my name, Devereaux Frazier. Secondly, I got the comment thing figured out. Some of my comments on some blogs were being caught as spam, which is weird (I don’t leave links or the like), but others didn’t and everything is okay.

Tonight’s poem is on love, and all this Valentine’s Day stuff is being beamed into my head and I feel terrible. I’m single, and it sucks. Thankfully, it’s just one day, but boy…I’m counting down the hours till it’s over. I’m tense, disappointed, and hopeful for a new life, and I hope this poem conveys that…(I chose a murky painting, because that’s how I’m feelin’)

 

Aspergers keeps me from connecting

and in shyness I go on letting

sweet girls go by

I wish I had one

just one

Sway my mind

 

Another morning

another sunrise

Look! It’s almost time

to put on my disguise

so that they never know

that I think too slow

and love

that special love

I’ve never known

 

I guess you could say

that it’s not meant to be

that I’ll always be my own special lover

Content, but lonely

True, but only

and the chapter is the same, every single day

 

Confident as I am

I’d hate to die alone

Honesty and truth, I’ve sown

but without the nurturing

of a special one’s sweet love

faded opportunity

before it reached the ground above

 

It’s not about money

it’s not about time

it’s about unearthing the treasures

that could very well be mine

but I’m ill-equipped

to search the mines

just some pointy sticks

A step above twigs

How could I find

even the tiniest of reserves

when after years of being burned

I burn out and give up the ghost

 

The shadow of something

I’ve never named

but wishing

to one day claim

No Easy button, no clues to follow

just a mire of faces

and anxiety to swallow

 

An Aspergian’s Thoughts On Wishes Versus Reality, A Constant In The Autistic Battleground

md6

So I’m STILL not able to post comments on anyone’s sites. Could be a WordPress thing, because I’ve noticed my comments are WAYY down too. This is really frustrating…and are the paintings helping explain/illustrate the poem? If not, let me know in the comments (if you can)

Wishes or reality?

A war on two fronts

Trying to please you, trying to control me

and now I’m all broken up

Understand this much?

I can’t do both

The harder I push in either direction

my life goes broke

I can’t smile and be at every event

but I also can’t always stay home

and remind you of kitty liter scent

You may think it’s an easy choice

but how would you handle trying to please

two voices?

Two minds?

Two wills?

The shame in rejection

and the joy in fulfilling

what everyone said you couldn’t

And I wouldn’t

ever reject my Aspergian self

but sometimes, just for an hour

I have to put it on the shelf

Maybe not the voice of the party,

but certainly an accompanying wind

so that the show goes on

and goodwill is sent

The battle is waged

every day

and wage increases

every day

To fight

you need not sword nor shield

and degrees will not wield much force

in this dimension

To fight

you need a strong heart

and an open mind

 so truth you can love

and love you can find

Hey Dad, (Not That You Actually Care, But..)Changing Routines Hurts Aspergians…

nano

Well, my Dad has officially given up on this family. He hasn’t talked to us in days, and won’t return texts, emails, or calls. Considering his past of abuse, neglect, adultery, drug addiction, and fraud it’s the least of surprises. Still, no child should EVER have to wake to the realization that their dad doesn’t care about them anymore. I mean, it’s awful. Even though I’ve seen him walk out multiple times, it doesn’t change the fact that each one hurts. He doesn’t care (he’s a narcissist), but that doesn’t mean everyone else isn’t affected.

I stopped being close to him when I was seven or eight, after he gave me a hernia and I started to realize the demon he actually was. After that, it was all defense for me as I uncovered secret after secret and lie after lie. I personally uncovered two of his girlfriends, and time at home was spent discovering bottles of alcohol, drugs, pornography (that’s where I got it from 😦 ), and letters saying that he owed the state money, along with turn off notices. All the while he kept up this façade that he was this perfect dad and we just ungrateful kids. He knew I was catching on, and I gained more and more confidence with every page turned. One day, I uncovered cigars, paraphernalia, and lighters in his backpack. I didn’t say anything, but noticed that every night he came home, the house smelled like smoke. What idiot smokes inside their home? This one did, and worse yet, he didn’t try to bathe or anything, so he wreaked all the time. Another time, he called out my mom for eating some chicken (she’s a vegetarian, but who the hell is perfect?) so rudely and callously that I went off on him. I had enough. He enjoyed picking with my mom and sister, and I love them to bits. I defend those close to me very dearly, and he learned that day. He never again trued to talk about them, at least not in front of me.

So why all this? Because I’m angry. Because once again he gets to do what he wants without any consequences. Because he can pick and choose when he wants to be a father. Because he’s gotten to abuse me and then pretend to be friends the next day, yet get mad at me when I call him on his past. Because I’m tired of some stranger coming in and out of my life who claims to be my dad. Because I’m tired of the DUI’s, speeding tickets, and text messages from random women. Why do I have to find this? Why did I have to be the one to find his porn, and then get addicted to it?

Running

at a loss for words

Symbols of coming pain

Thunderheads leading to acid rain

Never heeded

Concern? Never needed

Stabbed in the back

Blood smeared on the railway track

One eye blue, one eye black

While one devours life

getting fat off the toils of others

he forgets where he’s come

So-called friends place each other high on pedestals

but when the storm comes they look like fools

The bigger they are

the harder they fall

and I’ll be sure

to see of it

Hammer in one hand

Knife in the other

Don’t take a step, motherfucker

I can take so much

before I have to give

Do you really want to see

my raging arms cover the width

of bones and skulls?

That’s what I’ll do

for what you did

treated royals like dogs

And now I hunt

under the cover of fog

the alluded protection you thought you created

when you betrayed the one you dated

Children becomes princes

and princes become kings

when the sword crushes the heart

and the bell of the reaper rings

 

The Reality Regarding Negative Expectations And Emotively-Founded Bias Against Aspergians

md5

Don’t knock

I’ve already let you in

Being brutally honest

is my cardinal sin

Put on all the makeup in the world

I’ll still call you ugly

People laugh in hordes

and I still can’t find them funny

Complementing for a complement

is vain decadence

and dressing for someone you’ll probably dump

shows a lack of intelligence

Roses are red,

Violets are blue

Sugar leads to cancer

And, oh yeah, I hate you

Stupid expectations

and hilarious ignorance

“Aspergers is just an excuse for kids to be rude”

Why don’t you use some damn common sense?

When you’re ignorant, you excuse

and when you’re wrong

you change your views

Just admit that you don’t get it

And your PhD?

Worth a pile of shit

To those who live it

to those who own it

to those who hide it

and those not afraid to show it

Test after test, lecture after lecture

grant after grant, and law after law

Don’t you realize

that one isn’t like all?

Step away from your degree

and let me snatch away your glory

put you in a class of bullies

and see if you’re still holy

Here’s your homework: don’t go on the march

and instead play a more personable part

Sit down and talk to us

open up these hearts

UPSET ALERT: We’re not any different

than you

but how you treat us

is up to you

 

(Note: I’ve been unable to leave comments on way too many blogs recently. So, if you’ve barred me from commenting on your blog, or are having some technical issues, kindly letting me know would be greatly appreciated. My email is chiefssince09@gmail.com)

 

This Aspergian’s Rebellion (Inspired By My Painting)

md1

The sea surrounds us

and we confound thus

upon entering the fuss

that is “normal life”

“Follow this deadline” and

“Don’t forget this rule”

I don’t mean to sound like a bitch

but I wasn’t made from the same wool

and I don’t fit

like you think I should

so you cast me out

until I accept you, but I won’t…

I take your four walls and a ceiling

and tear it down with passionate feeling

with others in my heart, and on my mind

others like me, who haven’t yet discovered the lie

The box says that we’re rude, the box says we’re plain mean

but even my favorite poet once said

“All that we see or seem, is a dream within a dream”

So jump back, you ignorant fools

sit back and strap in

cause we’re going to school

I take your fast-paced lifestyle and rend it useless

Because action without reason and logic is useless

I take your expectations

and break their flimsy necks

I’m thinking so differently

that you can’t even begin to ask what’s next

I don’t speak the way you do

and I don’t ask for what you ask

I don’t need an hour lunch break

Give me a job, and I’ll finish the task

Tastes limited, but well honed

and I stay out of trouble

because my favorite hangout is home

I can’t get a girlfriend

but I’m full of confidence

Be anti-“the normal” in America, 2017

and tell me how hard life really is

I’ve got global views, and global goals

with these words I strike down what you think you know

and leave an impact on your soul

Protesting Donald Trump

is solving nothing

put your dirty, damned cardboard sign down

and look at the people we’re becoming

Slow can be good

even a tortoise knows that

so stop demonizing us

and learn the facts

Don’t listen to doctors, nurses,

or scholars

Don’t listen to the government

And the media? Don’t even bother